Anonymous asked: So I know this isn't a sex question but, I thought you might have a good answer or good advice. Anyways, I just wanted to get your opinion on interracial dating; I'm also Chinese and I'm attracted to Asian guys but I recently met a guy that's Hispanic and somewhat "out of my league." However, I feel like one of the major reasons holding me back is our differences in race (and stereotypes/stigmas associated), rather than my appearance if that makes sense. Can you comment on this/give advice?
Hi! Sorry it’s taken me some time to get back to you. Without knowing more about the exact racial stereotypes or stigmas that you’re referring to, it’s hard for me to give specific advice. That said, I think my answer to a previous reader question might shed some light on the topic of racial/cultural differences in dating. I’ve dated guys from of all races and from all kinds of backgrounds. (Despite my current unholy union with a Yalie, I’ve never been one to stay strictly within the Ivy League bubble either.) I haven’t found that my relationships with Asian men are better or worse than my interracial relationships, nor do I necessarily think that two people relate better simply because they share race in common. Race is a single, totally arbitrary trait — it’s not something people can “choose” like political affiliation or religion nor is it something that tells you much about any individual person. Someone could share your race and be completely wrong for you in other ways, after all.
I think you should question the extent to which you believe in these stereotypes, even if they are seemingly positive. As I wrote in GOOD Magazine:
In his presence, I felt like the sum of a bunch of stereotypes pulled from Hollywood films of a less politically correct era. He thought he was flattering me, but all I really wanted was to be desired as an individual, not as a symbol of my supposed culture … Like Pierre, many guys with whom I discussed the topic failed to recognize the racism inherent in forming a racial preference in the first place. They pointed to ex-girlfriends who fit their stereotypes and asked if I would have preferred the alternative of being viewed as undesirable because I’m not white. They couldn’t see that even if their assumptions weren’t obviously insulting, they nonetheless imposed an arbitrary set of expectations on radically different women. In that sense, the random dude on the street shouting “”Ching-chong! Ching-chong!” at every passing Asian gal is not so different from the guy who invites me to dinner and earnestly asks, “Do you prefer to eat with chopsticks?”
We all have our prejudices, but simply being aware of them is not enough. We’ve got to push back against them, and a lot of times, that means stepping out of our comfort zone. This might be an opportunity for you to step out of yours.
Related posts on race, dating, and interracial dating:
Sexy Time: Check Your “Type” At The Door
Why You Shouldn’t Date “A Type”
Reader Question: “Would you ever consider dating Latino or African-American men?”
Are my friends’ generalizations about Asian men racist?
Does Lena Chen date Asians?
Reader Question: “Are Asian girls who date interracially white-washed?”
Reader Question: “Is Sharing Family Background and Life Experiences Essential To A Successful Relationship?”


