the ch!cktionary

    22 Dec 2011

    “Over the course of the past year, I have developed a terrible obsession with Asian women. It’s unexplainable to me, as my wife has been great to me, loves sex, and really is an incredibly beautiful woman. However, I find myself thinking constantly about Asian women, during the day, during workouts, at night when I should be sleeping. It’s completely new to me as I have never been attracted to Asian women, and it really is interfering with my life. I have been visiting Asian “spas” now a couple of times a week, and in the morning when I should be working, I’m instead surfing the Web trying to find a way to meet Asian women. It’s to the point where I’m acting like a teenager again around any type of Asian woman.”
    —

    “I’m Obsessed With Asian Massage Parlors — Should I Tell My Wife?”, Tracy Clark-Flory | AlterNet

    And this is just the latest example of how I am terrified by and disappointed in society on a daily basis.

    Tags: asian. race. sexuality.

    Reblogged: xtremecaffeine

    11 Oct 2011

    How To Hit On An Asian Girl

    Remember that essay I wrote for GOOD about Asian fetishists? If you liked that, you’re going to LOVE this video.

    (Source: sweetsoursatire)

    Reblogged: sweetsoursatire

    Tags: race. Asian.

    7 Oct 2011

    Anonymous asked: So I know this isn't a sex question but, I thought you might have a good answer or good advice. Anyways, I just wanted to get your opinion on interracial dating; I'm also Chinese and I'm attracted to Asian guys but I recently met a guy that's Hispanic and somewhat "out of my league." However, I feel like one of the major reasons holding me back is our differences in race (and stereotypes/stigmas associated), rather than my appearance if that makes sense. Can you comment on this/give advice?

    Hi! Sorry it’s taken me some time to get back to you. Without knowing more about the exact racial stereotypes or stigmas that you’re referring to, it’s hard for me to give specific advice. That said, I think my answer to a previous reader question might shed some light on the topic of racial/cultural differences in dating. I’ve dated guys from of all races and from all kinds of backgrounds. (Despite my current unholy union with a Yalie, I’ve never been one to stay strictly within the Ivy League bubble either.) I haven’t found that my relationships with Asian men are better or worse than my interracial relationships, nor do I necessarily think that two people relate better simply because they share race in common. Race is a single, totally arbitrary trait — it’s not something people can “choose” like political affiliation or religion nor is it something that tells you much about any individual person. Someone could share your race and be completely wrong for you in other ways, after all.

    I think you should question the extent to which you believe in these stereotypes, even if they are seemingly positive. As I wrote in GOOD Magazine:

    In his presence, I felt like the sum of a bunch of stereotypes pulled from Hollywood films of a less politically correct era. He thought he was flattering me, but all I really wanted was to be desired as an individual, not as a symbol of my supposed culture … Like Pierre, many guys with whom I discussed the topic failed to recognize the racism inherent in forming a racial preference in the first place. They pointed to ex-girlfriends who fit their stereotypes and asked if I would have preferred the alternative of being viewed as undesirable because I’m not white. They couldn’t see that even if their assumptions weren’t obviously insulting, they nonetheless imposed an arbitrary set of expectations on radically different women. In that sense, the random dude on the street shouting “”Ching-chong! Ching-chong!” at every passing Asian gal is not so different from the guy who invites me to dinner and earnestly asks, “Do you prefer to eat with chopsticks?”

    We all have our prejudices, but simply being aware of them is not enough. We’ve got to push back against them, and a lot of times, that means stepping out of our comfort zone. This might be an opportunity for you to step out of yours.

    Related posts on race, dating, and interracial dating:

    Sexy Time: Check Your “Type” At The Door
    Why You Shouldn’t Date “A Type”
    Reader Question: “Would you ever consider dating Latino or African-American men?”
    Are my friends’ generalizations about Asian men racist?
    Does Lena Chen date Asians?
    Reader Question: “Are Asian girls who date interracially white-washed?”
    Reader Question: “Is Sharing Family Background and Life Experiences Essential To A Successful Relationship?”

    Tags: Ask Lena. dating. race.

    23 Sep 2011

    “Role modeling language assumes that inequality exists due to lack of imagination on the part of the oppressed.”
    — Melissa Harris-Perry, reminding folks that marginalized populations are marginalized due to structural reasons (i.e. institutional racism), not because there haven’t been enough black presidents for little kids to look up to.

    I saw MHP in the flesh yesterday, talking about her new book “Sister Citizen: Shame, Stereotypes, and Black Women in America” at Harvard’s W.E.B. Du Bois Institute. This was hands-down one of the best public lectures I’ve ever been to.
    Tags: race.

    15 Sep 2011

    Dealbreaker: He's Got an Asian Fetish | GOOD

    As promised, here’s my essay for GOOD. An excerpt below:

    I was born in San Francisco and raised in Los Angeles. If you heard my voice without knowing what I looked like, you’d probably assume that I was a teenage white girl. My idea of fashion is a pair of skinny jeans, not a kimono. My parents are immigrants, but I am, for all intents and purposes, American through and through. Yet I wasn’t even out of high school when men began greeting me with “konichiwa, beautiful” on the street. (I am not Japanese). As I got older, the catcalls took a turn for the lewd: “Me love you long time!” “Sucky sucky!” I’ve lost track of the number of times a guy has gotten in my face and yelled the name of a random Asian country as a primitive courting strategy: “Hey, Korea!” “Vietnam?” “You Thai?” Even seemingly respectable men in respectable settings would introduce themselves and ask, “Where are you from?” only to frown and follow up with “No, really” when I responded with “California.”

    Tags: freelance. asian. race.

    12 Sep 2011

    “Guys try to discern what my ethnic makeup is, and my friends even take bets on what he’s going to guess. Usually it’s some form of Latina, often Mexican or Puerto Rican, but sometimes men branch out to Columbian or Chilean. Alas, I’m none of the above. I’m Indian. But that doesn’t stop white men from walking up to me in bars and saying “Hola!” or “Como esta?” Failing to relate to me as a person, they immediately use race as a cheap tactic to start up a conversation. One man even went so far as to say I’m sassy because of all that Latin blood running through me. I am sassy, but being Latina has nothing to do with it.”
    —

    Rachel Khona, “Dating And Race”, AskMen.com

    I was highly amused by this piece! (And I say this as someone who typically scoffs at the stuff published in men’s magazines.) The above article is chock-full of ludicrous examples from Rachel’s love life (as well as my own), all illustrating the level of ignorance that she’s encountered over the course of her dating history. Like Rachel, I’ve been mistaken for Latina (which is just … odd), and guys have made really strange assumptions about me based on my race (in her case, one starts talking to her in Punjabi, even though she grew up in New Jersey and her family isn’t from Punjab). I’m sure there are many of you who can relate all too well to our experiences.

    This Friday, I’ll have an essay out in GOOD magazine about a similar topic: the Asian fetish. There are some subjects that are of particular interest to readers; this is a frequently requested one. And rather than blogging it to death, this will be a sort of “Lena’s final word on the matter of yellow fever’s grossness”. Can’t wait to share with you guys!

    Tags: race. dating.

    16 Mar 2011

    In loco parentis

    My mother does not want me to stay with my ex-boyfriend with I visit San Francisco at the end of the month. She thinks it’s improper given that we’ve previously fucked. Backstory: this is the dude I dated for a summer in LA when I was 19. For three months. Nearly five years ago. And while I am not always great at making clean breaks (and have a reputation for recycling hook-ups), this particular guy and I have never, ever done ex sex or gotten anywhere close to it. I’ve met his significant others, and vice versa. He and Patrick have hung out many times and get along better than he and I ever did. He’s even dog-sat Hamlet before.

    But while I’m at the age when my mother can’t outright forbid me from doing something, but she can strongly disapprove and guilt trip me accordingly. (Do you have an Asian mama? Then you know what I mean.) I know exactly where this attitude comes from. Even though I don’t live in her household, she sees my relationship with Patrick as some sort of symbolic transfer of her parental authority to him. And so, she may not be able to call the shots on my life anymore, but Patrick can and has the right to. Which is RIDICULOUS. And old-fashioned and infantilizing and offensive. But it is MY MOTHER saying these things, and I find it incredibly hard to refute her, because her views are very, very deep-seated and I can’t not take them personally. I find dealing with this so, so irritating that I would rather not deal with it at all by playing the “But my boyfriend says it’s okay!” card than actually attempt to argue with her logically about the situation. Using, you know, the feminist ideas I espouse on the daily.

    In conclusion, I’m a grown-ass woman, and I do not need my big, strong boyfriend to sign my permission slip before I leave the house. Now if only I could get Mama Chen to see things my way.

    Tags: race. Asian.

    1 Feb 2011

    Members Only

    • Me: Is there a club for guys with Asian girlfriends?
    • Friend: There should be. And they should call it the Joy Fuck Club.
    Tags: Asian. race. quotables.