the ch!cktionary

    9 Feb 2012

    “He Came To Stay” | Explosion Proof Fall 2011

    Forgot to blog this when it came out last fall, but here’s a personal essay I wrote about my relationship with Patrick (for Explosion Proof’s “State of the Union” issue). Simone de Beauvoir inspired the title. I was reading Tête-à-Tête at the time.

    (To read the article, click to the individual page and right-click “view image”).

    15 Jan 2012

    Anonymous asked: How does a girl who is socially-awkward and introverted get better at telling people I'm not interested in a clear "no"? I recently had a co-worker interested me where I didn't feel the same way (in fact, I have a bf), and I was surprised at how difficult it was to be upfront about my non-interested with this seemingly harmless guy. I worry about how I would react in a much scarier situation, like if I were cornered by a much more dangerous guy.

    Funny, I’ve had a bunch of experience with saying “no”, lately, so this question is coming at just the right time ;)

    I know what it’s like to not want to upset people. Though I’ve become more and more confrontational over the years, this is definitely behavior I had to teach myself. I used to be a huge people-pleaser (and rejecting guys used to be my least favorite confrontational situation), yet I’ve long forced myself to stop giving a shit because I began to realize that I don’t owe anyone anything, and most of the folks who take offense are the ones who don’t deserve consideration anyway. Since I’ve had experiences in which guys will back off without any fuss like the grown ass men that they are, I am far less tolerant in situations where they just won’t take a hint. And pushy dudes to whom you repeatedly say “no” to no avail? There’s just no excuse for that crap. I don’t like being a bitch, but sometimes, people make me WANT to be a bitch. And at that point, I behave with utter disregard for their ego.

    For example, I’ve been traveling with a friend of mine these past few weeks in Asia. On Wednesday, my last night in Hong Kong, we went out with a bunch of friends of hers and friends of her friends. This random dude in the group kept asking me when I was going to “crash” and if I wanted to leave with him, and I said repeatedly that 1) I was not leaving my traveling companion behind and 2) I was not going to sleep that night anyway because I had a flight in the morning to Nanjing. Really, what I should have said is I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, but I wanted to save him the embarrassment (since he wasn’t a total rando) and besides, I thought I was being fairly clear about the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere. Then, after I pulled out the “I have a boyfriend” card (which I hate doing because I should be able to communicate disinterest without resorting to this excuse), he said, “That’s cool. I have a girlfriend. Let’s just have fun anyway.” And that’s when I just walked the hell away. Fifteen minutes later, when he tried to dance with me YET AGAIN, I was so profoundly irritated that I actually turned to him, threw up my hands, and yelled, “NO. NO. NO. N-O, NOOOOOOOO!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?!”

    He understood. And so did everyone else on the dance floor.

    So, I know this didn’t really answer your question, but I hope it was a small source of inspiration? Because I doubt your coworker is anywhere close to being as bone-headed or douchey as this dude. And when confronted with a truly pushy guy, I think it would be extremely helpful to think of all the incidents in which you might have blamed yourself for being too “socially awkward and introverted” and to flip it around and consider that perhaps the guy in those situations was, in fact, the unreasonable one who ignored your disinterest and discomfort. And maybe this is reason to get mad and angry instead of apologetic. Because given the opportunity, I think there are a lot of men - like the aforementioned one in Hong Kong - who have NO qualms about violating your personal space and poking and prodding you until you just give in. And that’s not cool and you should treat them no differently than you would a person who is trying to convince you to get into a black van with them on a random alley at night.

    Again, I don’t know what happened with your coworker, so I will take your word that he’s just a harmless guy who you didn’t want to hurt, but keep in mind that people who are ACTUALLY nice (versus the supposed Nice Guy (TM)) won’t hold a rejection against you. It happens to everyone and it’s not something you have to feel bad about.

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    13 Jan 2012

    Things Not To Say To Girls

    “Honestly, I’m a very nice guy.”

    Usually, that’s the first sign you’re not. I got that lovely line last night from a dude who tried, against his best interest, to chat me up. He got nothing but a scowl and some snarky remarks in response. Though apparently, being a stone cold bitch doesn’t do much to dissuade the masochistic.

    Also, whoever said I was looking for nice guys? Nice is boring. Most of my great male friends are interesting guys with more than a hint of asshole. But that’s okay, as long as the assholery isn’t directed at me.

    30 Nov 2011

    How The Internet Changed My Sex Life | Audrey Magazine
I was a guest columnist for Audrey Magazine’s Fall 2011 issue. Here’s a snippet of my piece on how online dating has altered the way we choose partners:

With the array of choices online, it’s tempting to rely on search features that comb through user databases to spit out results based on age, ethnicity, religion, education and even dietary preferences. The criteria with which you can assess potential partners range from the trivial (pet ownership status) to the maddeningly obscure (foreign languages spoken). Should a romantic decision really come down to whether someone is more of a dog person or a cat person? The Internet can make dating seem like an interview process. It’s easy to get caught up in looking for the next best thing or to falsely believe that you don’t need to compromise on your vision of an ideal partner or relation- ship, because there’s always that elusive better offer.

In this day and age, what happens virtually isn’t distinct from “the real world”; it’s part of it. I think OkCupid, Grindr, and similar services can be really fantastic ways to meet people (as long as you don’t get addicted, as SO many of my friends have). I know plenty of folks who have turned online flirtations into offline relationships, but just as many who end up in unfulfilling cycles of serial dating.
The article’s not up on the magazine’s website yet, but my editor just sent the PDF to me. To read the whole thing, click here.

    How The Internet Changed My Sex Life | Audrey Magazine

    I was a guest columnist for Audrey Magazine’s Fall 2011 issue. Here’s a snippet of my piece on how online dating has altered the way we choose partners:

    With the array of choices online, it’s tempting to rely on search features that comb through user databases to spit out results based on age, ethnicity, religion, education and even dietary preferences. The criteria with which you can assess potential partners range from the trivial (pet ownership status) to the maddeningly obscure (foreign languages spoken). Should a romantic decision really come down to whether someone is more of a dog person or a cat person? The Internet can make dating seem like an interview process. It’s easy to get caught up in looking for the next best thing or to falsely believe that you don’t need to compromise on your vision of an ideal partner or relation- ship, because there’s always that elusive better offer.

    In this day and age, what happens virtually isn’t distinct from “the real world”; it’s part of it. I think OkCupid, Grindr, and similar services can be really fantastic ways to meet people (as long as you don’t get addicted, as SO many of my friends have). I know plenty of folks who have turned online flirtations into offline relationships, but just as many who end up in unfulfilling cycles of serial dating.

    The article’s not up on the magazine’s website yet, but my editor just sent the PDF to me. To read the whole thing, click here.

    7 Oct 2011

    Anonymous asked: So I know this isn't a sex question but, I thought you might have a good answer or good advice. Anyways, I just wanted to get your opinion on interracial dating; I'm also Chinese and I'm attracted to Asian guys but I recently met a guy that's Hispanic and somewhat "out of my league." However, I feel like one of the major reasons holding me back is our differences in race (and stereotypes/stigmas associated), rather than my appearance if that makes sense. Can you comment on this/give advice?

    Hi! Sorry it’s taken me some time to get back to you. Without knowing more about the exact racial stereotypes or stigmas that you’re referring to, it’s hard for me to give specific advice. That said, I think my answer to a previous reader question might shed some light on the topic of racial/cultural differences in dating. I’ve dated guys from of all races and from all kinds of backgrounds. (Despite my current unholy union with a Yalie, I’ve never been one to stay strictly within the Ivy League bubble either.) I haven’t found that my relationships with Asian men are better or worse than my interracial relationships, nor do I necessarily think that two people relate better simply because they share race in common. Race is a single, totally arbitrary trait — it’s not something people can “choose” like political affiliation or religion nor is it something that tells you much about any individual person. Someone could share your race and be completely wrong for you in other ways, after all.

    I think you should question the extent to which you believe in these stereotypes, even if they are seemingly positive. As I wrote in GOOD Magazine:

    In his presence, I felt like the sum of a bunch of stereotypes pulled from Hollywood films of a less politically correct era. He thought he was flattering me, but all I really wanted was to be desired as an individual, not as a symbol of my supposed culture … Like Pierre, many guys with whom I discussed the topic failed to recognize the racism inherent in forming a racial preference in the first place. They pointed to ex-girlfriends who fit their stereotypes and asked if I would have preferred the alternative of being viewed as undesirable because I’m not white. They couldn’t see that even if their assumptions weren’t obviously insulting, they nonetheless imposed an arbitrary set of expectations on radically different women. In that sense, the random dude on the street shouting “”Ching-chong! Ching-chong!” at every passing Asian gal is not so different from the guy who invites me to dinner and earnestly asks, “Do you prefer to eat with chopsticks?”

    We all have our prejudices, but simply being aware of them is not enough. We’ve got to push back against them, and a lot of times, that means stepping out of our comfort zone. This might be an opportunity for you to step out of yours.

    Related posts on race, dating, and interracial dating:

    Sexy Time: Check Your “Type” At The Door
    Why You Shouldn’t Date “A Type”
    Reader Question: “Would you ever consider dating Latino or African-American men?”
    Are my friends’ generalizations about Asian men racist?
    Does Lena Chen date Asians?
    Reader Question: “Are Asian girls who date interracially white-washed?”
    Reader Question: “Is Sharing Family Background and Life Experiences Essential To A Successful Relationship?”

    12 Sep 2011

    “Guys try to discern what my ethnic makeup is, and my friends even take bets on what he’s going to guess. Usually it’s some form of Latina, often Mexican or Puerto Rican, but sometimes men branch out to Columbian or Chilean. Alas, I’m none of the above. I’m Indian. But that doesn’t stop white men from walking up to me in bars and saying “Hola!” or “Como esta?” Failing to relate to me as a person, they immediately use race as a cheap tactic to start up a conversation. One man even went so far as to say I’m sassy because of all that Latin blood running through me. I am sassy, but being Latina has nothing to do with it.”

    Rachel Khona, “Dating And Race”, AskMen.com

    I was highly amused by this piece! (And I say this as someone who typically scoffs at the stuff published in men’s magazines.) The above article is chock-full of ludicrous examples from Rachel’s love life (as well as my own), all illustrating the level of ignorance that she’s encountered over the course of her dating history. Like Rachel, I’ve been mistaken for Latina (which is just … odd), and guys have made really strange assumptions about me based on my race (in her case, one starts talking to her in Punjabi, even though she grew up in New Jersey and her family isn’t from Punjab). I’m sure there are many of you who can relate all too well to our experiences.

    This Friday, I’ll have an essay out in GOOD magazine about a similar topic: the Asian fetish. There are some subjects that are of particular interest to readers; this is a frequently requested one. And rather than blogging it to death, this will be a sort of “Lena’s final word on the matter of yellow fever’s grossness”. Can’t wait to share with you guys!

    25 Jul 2011

    Anonymous asked: Hey Lena,

    I am a huge fan, keep up the good work!

    My question has to do with long distance (romantic) relationships. I'm also dating a foreigner (he's from France) and I absolutely adore him and everything is going great! The only thing is that I'm entering my 3rd year (I'm canadian, so we don't use terms like Junior or Seniors) and he has already graduated. He's planning on going back to France soon. I am extremely willing to do the long distance relationship, because well he's great. But everyone I talk to seems to think that there is no point, or it's anti feminist to be in long distance relationships which I really do not understand.

    What is your opinion?

    I don’t understand that view either. There are going to be sacrifices with any relationship, because no two people have the exact same interests and goals. Making compromises doesn’t mean you’re a submissive doormat! Like me, you’re not dating someone with whom you share the same national citizenship, and that can make things really complicated when it comes to trying to find work or a place of permanent residence. It’s important to be realistic about these obstacles. How will you stay in touch when you’re apart? Do you plan on living in the same place in the future? Will you have the financial means to visit each other? Making sure you’re on the same page is important for any relationship, but especially long-distance ones in which different expectations can lead to resentment and lack of in-person communication can cause misunderstandings. If you really believe that the relationship is worth it and can overcome the difficulties, then staying together is a call that only you’re capable of making. Other people can’t assess your individual circumstances and determine if your relationship will survive the odds.

    Personally, I’m pretty scared about the prospect of moving abroad next year when Patrick finishes his Ph.D, and I have to admit that it’s partly because this is the biggest decision I’ve ever made on my own! My friends and family have given me some input, but ultimately, I’m the one who has to ship all my stuff and get on a plane to Germany. I don’t see my decision as feminist or anti-feminist or as a guideline for what others should do; it’s simply the best choice for my particular situation.

    Just my two cents.

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    6 Apr 2011

    Despite Chen’s fine points, I cannot and will not ever agree that marriage does not offer anything special, or meaningful, to a relationship.

    Chen is unmarried. Try as she might, assume as she will, she cannot know what it is like to be married. She can guess, imagine, empathise and use as many stats as she likes, but the fact remains that she’s unmarried … I got married because I, and my husband, wanted to. We chose to. Because marriage is something we value.

    Has marriage strengthened our relationship? Yes. Has it enhanced our relationship? Yes. Are we happier? Yes. Do we love being married? Yes. Do we believe that our marriage has meaning? Yes. That it’s special? Yes.

    Marriage … And Meaning | In The Thick Of It

    So I’ve read through a lot of the responses to my Sunday Life piece, and I thought it’s worth debunking some misconceptions that folks have made. First of all, I can know what marriage is as an institution without having been married myself. The above writer says, “There’s something we have – something recognised by Government, by state, by law, by our union in this very Western world that we live and love and participate in – that you have not experienced and are therefore, in my eyes, totally inept to make such lurid judgements on.” Leaving aside whether or not my judgments are that harsh (I consider what I write to actually be fairly objective), if you don’t believe I’m qualified to talk about the topic, I can arrange to be married off next week, and then report back on whether anything significant in my life has changed.

    I’m only half-joking. I’m sick of having interesting conversations derailed by this very common ad hominem argument (and any argument attacking the credibility of a person instead of addressing the actual argument is ad hominem). What I do or experience in my personal life has absolutely ZERO to do with the validity of my statements about marriage. (I don’t have to be a mother to tell you that childcare is a vital social service, right?) Most of the arguments I make against marriage  — that given its history, it is unlikely to ever become a truly inclusive institution, that it idealizes nuclear families and two-partner relationships at the expense of those who opt out, that it has historically been a tool of oppression against women, that the romantic ideas tied to it are an entirely modern invention — are facts and not my opinion. What IS my opinion is that because of all these reasons, I do not want to get married myself, and that is certainly something you can dispute. (Some folks claim that by getting married, you can change the institution by example. Though I disagree with this sentiment, I see the point.) Whether you get married or not is really up to you, but please don’t infer that I’m making wild claims without basis in reality simply because i don’t have the same life experiences. I think we can all agree that many people who are married don’t know very much about the history of the institution they’re signing up for, so that legal status hardly grants them any special knowledge and any experiential knowledge is highly individual.

    Second, (as I wrote in response to the above entry) I don’t deny that people’s relationships have meaning, but relationships have meaning regardless of whether they’re state-recognized. When I say that marriage is meaningless, I literally mean that the  legal act of getting married does not create meaning. If this writer and her husband existed in a society without the institution of marriage as we know it in the Western world, their relationship wouldn’t be any less significant  just because they didn’t know of or participate in marriage. Perhaps the official rubber stamp or piece of paper is symbolic, but symbolism alone does not create meaningful relationships. The substance behind that sentiment had to be there from the beginning. Besides, each of us experience things differently so even if one person is magically changed by marriage, that doesn’t mean that this is the case across the board, especially since many people live in societies where they don’t get to marry for love. And that alone, the fact that results do vary, ought to be enough to prove that marriage doesn’t inherently have any meaning beyond what you choose to ascribe to it.

    Honestly, I’m not super invested in other people’s relationships. I understand that lots of folks get hitched because there are a litany of legal benefits involved. (Again, the Roomie is not a U.S. citizen and I’ve gone without health insurance before. I get that marriage is oftentimes a practical consideration.) That said, I DO think the over-emphasis on marriage means that two-person unions are normalized and allowing the state to oversee our private affairs is accepted without criticism, even when the private affairs — like personal relationships — have no bearing on the well-being of others. That’s my beef with the marriage equality movement. The goal should not be to suddenly allow all gay people to get married. People think it would be so great and so selfless to welcome gay folks into the fold, like, LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE THIS TOO, but really, how awfully patronizing is that sentiment? Here we are with all our Western, heterosexual privilege, why don’t we share it with a select few individuals and leave the rest of ya’ll — the polyamorous, the single, the gender-non-conforming — in the dust? Those are the reasons why I opposed marriage, but again, I oppose it as an institution. That’s quite different from judging people’s particular relationships.

    29 Mar 2011

    Nope, I haven’t forgotten about those New Year’s career goals I made. I had a personal essay out this past weekend in Sunday Life, The Sydney Morning Herald’s weekend magazine. I’m counting this toward my monthly goal of one personal essay byline the annual goal of breaking into eight new pubs. Come to think of it, this may also be my first international byline! Pretty exciting stuff … racking up the milestones ;)
So you see that cover teaser “I Don’t: Saying No To Marriage”? Yup, that’s my essay. It’s a reworking of a piece I wrote on this blog nearly a year ago, and I gotta say, I’ve only become more sure about my position on marriage since then, even though my relationship has surpassed the three-year mark and people *cough* Chinese relatives *cough* are starting to make all kinds of assumptions despite my best attempts to dissuade them. In any case, let me state for the record that I’m not “against” marriage in that I’m judging you for having one. I’m not naive about the coercive way the government incentivizes marriage, so that oftentimes, it’s not much of a choice at all, not even for fairly privileged Westerners. Hello, I’m in love with a dude who could get deported, and I know people who have gotten hitched for health insurance. There are some pretty good, practical reasons to tie the knot. I just wish these benefits didn’t only come with marriage, that folks who rock the single life or have multiple partners don’t get the shaft, that we don’t automatically assume those who don’t get married are “just not serious about each other” or less fulfilled as human beings.
And you know, I can completely empathize with the desire to share one’s love in front of family and friends and to shove cake into your lover’s face and to dress up like a Pretty Pretty Princess*. But how many of us think about why the state is involved in our personal affairs and why we need a rubber stamp to make it “real”? We want it so bad that there’s an entire social movement devoted to obtaining the institution despite its rather questionable history. I actually used to be a huge advocate for marriage equality, and witnessing that debate over the past few years has just turned me off from marriage even further. While I believe that queer folks are entitled to the same protection and rights as anyone else, I think it’s a shame that same-sex marriage has become THE issue and that there’s an absurd amount of money being funneled into the goal of obtaining heterosexual privilege. (I’m not going to go into a huge rant about what else that money could be used for, but suffice it to say that it’s not going toward advocacy efforts to improve the lives of poor queer people of color.) Why not dismantle the institution altogether instead of leaving single people or poly folks in a lurch? Are non-marrieds any less deserving of these privileges?
Anyhow, I’m not going to get carried away here and repeat my thesis (which, by the way, I finally extracted from the depths of my hard drive). I’ll leave some links for further reading:
Valentine’s Grinch (Part I & Part II)Marriage Is Like A Country Club (CollegeCandy)How Feminism Misses The Point When It Comes To MarriageWhy I’m Against Gay Marriage (And Marriage In General)Jessica Valenti, Weddings, & Social ExpectationsReader Question: “Do you think you will eventually marry Patrick?”
My article isn’t available online, but click below to see a high-resolution version of it (let me know if this doesn’t work):

Psst … my friend Rachel Hills has a piece in the same edition of Sunday Life, on living as an ex-pat in London!
* Totally not being facetious here. My friends all know that upon my 30th birthday, I’ll be throwing myself a  gigantic party involving all of the above elements in lieu of ever  having a wedding. (And yes, there will be a registry.)

    Nope, I haven’t forgotten about those New Year’s career goals I made. I had a personal essay out this past weekend in Sunday Life, The Sydney Morning Herald’s weekend magazine. I’m counting this toward my monthly goal of one personal essay byline the annual goal of breaking into eight new pubs. Come to think of it, this may also be my first international byline! Pretty exciting stuff … racking up the milestones ;)

    So you see that cover teaser “I Don’t: Saying No To Marriage”? Yup, that’s my essay. It’s a reworking of a piece I wrote on this blog nearly a year ago, and I gotta say, I’ve only become more sure about my position on marriage since then, even though my relationship has surpassed the three-year mark and people *cough* Chinese relatives *cough* are starting to make all kinds of assumptions despite my best attempts to dissuade them. In any case, let me state for the record that I’m not “against” marriage in that I’m judging you for having one. I’m not naive about the coercive way the government incentivizes marriage, so that oftentimes, it’s not much of a choice at all, not even for fairly privileged Westerners. Hello, I’m in love with a dude who could get deported, and I know people who have gotten hitched for health insurance. There are some pretty good, practical reasons to tie the knot. I just wish these benefits didn’t only come with marriage, that folks who rock the single life or have multiple partners don’t get the shaft, that we don’t automatically assume those who don’t get married are “just not serious about each other” or less fulfilled as human beings.

    And you know, I can completely empathize with the desire to share one’s love in front of family and friends and to shove cake into your lover’s face and to dress up like a Pretty Pretty Princess*. But how many of us think about why the state is involved in our personal affairs and why we need a rubber stamp to make it “real”? We want it so bad that there’s an entire social movement devoted to obtaining the institution despite its rather questionable history. I actually used to be a huge advocate for marriage equality, and witnessing that debate over the past few years has just turned me off from marriage even further. While I believe that queer folks are entitled to the same protection and rights as anyone else, I think it’s a shame that same-sex marriage has become THE issue and that there’s an absurd amount of money being funneled into the goal of obtaining heterosexual privilege. (I’m not going to go into a huge rant about what else that money could be used for, but suffice it to say that it’s not going toward advocacy efforts to improve the lives of poor queer people of color.) Why not dismantle the institution altogether instead of leaving single people or poly folks in a lurch? Are non-marrieds any less deserving of these privileges?

    Anyhow, I’m not going to get carried away here and repeat my thesis (which, by the way, I finally extracted from the depths of my hard drive). I’ll leave some links for further reading:

    Valentine’s Grinch (Part I & Part II)
    Marriage Is Like A Country Club (CollegeCandy)
    How Feminism Misses The Point When It Comes To Marriage
    Why I’m Against Gay Marriage (And Marriage In General)
    Jessica Valenti, Weddings, & Social Expectations
    Reader Question: “Do you think you will eventually marry Patrick?”

    My article isn’t available online, but click below to see a high-resolution version of it (let me know if this doesn’t work):

    Psst … my friend Rachel Hills has a piece in the same edition of Sunday Life, on living as an ex-pat in London!

    * Totally not being facetious here. My friends all know that upon my 30th birthday, I’ll be throwing myself a gigantic party involving all of the above elements in lieu of ever having a wedding. (And yes, there will be a registry.)

    21 Mar 2011

    On Preaching To The Choir

    So I got a great note from a reader last night regarding my post on what not to pitch to a sex blogging feminist writer. (Spoiler: the offending party was a dating site for Ivy Leaguers.) She wondered whether I’m starting to preach too much to the feminist crowd, at the expense of alienating regular folks who don’t identify strongly with the gender equality movement. She considers herself progressive-minded, but not feminist, because she likes cooking, dressing up, and traditionally feminine activities. She doesn’t want to “have” to do these things because of her gender, but she also doesn’t care if men expect it of other women. In other words, it’s their prerogative if they want a submissive mate. I’d argue that every woman should have to right to autonomously make decisions about how to live her life, without social pressure to behave otherwise. (That’s why I think we ought to change people’s opinion if they believe women or their partner should behave in a demure, feminine manner. These expectations aren’t formed in a vacuum!) And by and large, contemporary feminists acknowledge that choosing to participate in traditionally feminine activities doesn’t mean that one can’t be a feminist. (Just look at this submission I received over on the Feminist Coming Out Day website a couple weeks ago. Shedding light on how feminist beliefs can manifest themselves is part of the reason why I founded the Feminist Portrait Project.)

    The above reader also noted that some people, like herself, might find the idea of an Ivy League-only dating site appealing, because they want intelligent mates and have more in common with others who are upper-middle class. I totally get that reasoning, and I do sympathize. What I took issue with (at least as far as IvyDate goes) is the idea that being well-educated automatically makes you a better partner. The company co-CEO Beri Meric said of the site’s members, “Sure there are plenty of ‘guys’ whose lives are dominated by a combination of video-games, cheap beer and casual relationships, but there are just as many responsible, hard-working and successful men looking for like-minded life partners. There hasn’t been an online forum for women to find them, until now.” Perhaps if I’d gotten the impression that this was a dating site that paired smart people with other people, I’d be a little more receptive to the idea. But they specifically state that their members come exclusively from Ivy League schools, MIT, Stanford, LSE, or Oxbridge. It’s not a dating site for people with talent and ambition. It’s a dating site for people who went to top universities, and in its first rendition, it was heavily marketed toward men at top universities who wanted trophy girlfriends. Now it appears to be encouraging Ivy Leaguers to date other Ivy Leaguers. But let’s be real here: this is a company trying to make money and they’re going to market this however they can. They’re not doing this as a public service for the poor, lonely singles out there. They’re catering to people’s desires, and they’re only interested in profit, not in whether this type of dating strategy is actually good for you.

    And like I said, I totally understand why someone would want a membership to this site. While much of my work is based in the social justice movement, my personal life is colored by the fact that I attended an elite school and surround myself with a lot of people of a similar background. People gravitate toward the familiar. That’s why the majority of my college friends hang out with other Ivy Leaguers now that they’re living in the “real world”. Do I think that’s unfortunate? Of course. But while I can acknowledge that social networks naturally form around common interests and incomes, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be reflective about 1) why this is the case and 2) why these bubbles are bad. I’ve seen plenty of real-life examples of people constructing bubbles around themselves, because they’re not comfortable with interacting with those who aren’t as rich, as white, as educated, as straight, or even as American as they are. And it all seems fairly innocuous — shouldn’t people be able to do whatever they want? — but there’s a reason why classism and racism and various other -isms exist. We don’t encourage people to step outside of their comfort zone and by letting folks of privilege (those with power and money) remain comfortable, it makes it easier and easier for them to view those who aren’t in their spaces as different or foreign or “other”.

    I’m not saying that everyone who attended an Ivy League school acts this way, but I witnessed so much of this attitude in undergrad and I’ve seen people who I consider to be friends say completely offensive things in my presence. (It has almost invariably ended my friendships.) I don’t want to generalize, because again, I’ve met fantastic people at Harvard who are non-pretentious and open-minded. I wouldn’t, however, criticize the desire for similarly minded friends and mates if it weren’t for the fact that most folks are not self-reflective of how their preferences originate, and as a result of that, can form really ugly views.