the ch!cktionary

    26 Jan 2012

    Anonymous asked: did you book your trip through a travel agency that offered some kind of package? i'm looking to vacation in southeast asia but packages seem so expensive!

    No, I didn’t book a package. I paid for my transcontinental flights with airline miles and booked a couple hotels at employee rates, thanks to my mom’s discount (she works for a hotel chain). I also stayed with people during a couple points, when I couldn’t find available rooms.

    I’ll be honest: I’m not a huge fan of vacation packages. My first trip to Southeast Asia (back in 2008) was planned by a travel agency. I was traveling in a group and there was limited time, so a package made sense then, but if I could do that trip all over again (and one day, I totally will), I would have allowed myself the flexibility to make more spontaneous decisions. Relatively speaking, Southeast Asia isn’t very expensive compared to, say, Europe, so it’s perfectly possible to do all your own bookings while not spending a lot of money. A package might be more appropriate if you’re looking for a guided visit, complete with escorts. Otherwise, I don’t think it’s necessary.

    Another reason I wouldn’t do a package again is because I’d like to visit friends in Asia, and that would be hard to accommodate if I have a very scheduled trip. If you want to save money and don’t have folks to stay with, there are plenty of alternatives to hotels. For example, I’ve heard great things about CouchSurfing. You might also want to scope out short-term vacation rentals and serviced apartments, which typically serve corporate clients but are frequently available to travelers as well. And of course, there are also hostels, which often come with free wifi, helpful staffers, and tons of fellow travelers for you to meet and hang out with. (Just look up reviews on TripAdvisor first if you’re concerned about location, safety, cleanliness, etc.)

    P.S. My friend Lingbo has been backpacking through Southeast Asia for several months, and she has a bunch of fantastic tips on her blog about how to safely travel on a budget as a solo woman. Read it! She’s far better at this than I am :)

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Tags: ask lena. travel.

    15 Jan 2012

    Anonymous asked: How does a girl who is socially-awkward and introverted get better at telling people I'm not interested in a clear "no"? I recently had a co-worker interested me where I didn't feel the same way (in fact, I have a bf), and I was surprised at how difficult it was to be upfront about my non-interested with this seemingly harmless guy. I worry about how I would react in a much scarier situation, like if I were cornered by a much more dangerous guy.

    Funny, I’ve had a bunch of experience with saying “no”, lately, so this question is coming at just the right time ;)

    I know what it’s like to not want to upset people. Though I’ve become more and more confrontational over the years, this is definitely behavior I had to teach myself. I used to be a huge people-pleaser (and rejecting guys used to be my least favorite confrontational situation), yet I’ve long forced myself to stop giving a shit because I began to realize that I don’t owe anyone anything, and most of the folks who take offense are the ones who don’t deserve consideration anyway. Since I’ve had experiences in which guys will back off without any fuss like the grown ass men that they are, I am far less tolerant in situations where they just won’t take a hint. And pushy dudes to whom you repeatedly say “no” to no avail? There’s just no excuse for that crap. I don’t like being a bitch, but sometimes, people make me WANT to be a bitch. And at that point, I behave with utter disregard for their ego.

    For example, I’ve been traveling with a friend of mine these past few weeks in Asia. On Wednesday, my last night in Hong Kong, we went out with a bunch of friends of hers and friends of her friends. This random dude in the group kept asking me when I was going to “crash” and if I wanted to leave with him, and I said repeatedly that 1) I was not leaving my traveling companion behind and 2) I was not going to sleep that night anyway because I had a flight in the morning to Nanjing. Really, what I should have said is I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, but I wanted to save him the embarrassment (since he wasn’t a total rando) and besides, I thought I was being fairly clear about the fact that I wasn’t going anywhere. Then, after I pulled out the “I have a boyfriend” card (which I hate doing because I should be able to communicate disinterest without resorting to this excuse), he said, “That’s cool. I have a girlfriend. Let’s just have fun anyway.” And that’s when I just walked the hell away. Fifteen minutes later, when he tried to dance with me YET AGAIN, I was so profoundly irritated that I actually turned to him, threw up my hands, and yelled, “NO. NO. NO. N-O, NOOOOOOOO!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?!”

    He understood. And so did everyone else on the dance floor.

    So, I know this didn’t really answer your question, but I hope it was a small source of inspiration? Because I doubt your coworker is anywhere close to being as bone-headed or douchey as this dude. And when confronted with a truly pushy guy, I think it would be extremely helpful to think of all the incidents in which you might have blamed yourself for being too “socially awkward and introverted” and to flip it around and consider that perhaps the guy in those situations was, in fact, the unreasonable one who ignored your disinterest and discomfort. And maybe this is reason to get mad and angry instead of apologetic. Because given the opportunity, I think there are a lot of men - like the aforementioned one in Hong Kong - who have NO qualms about violating your personal space and poking and prodding you until you just give in. And that’s not cool and you should treat them no differently than you would a person who is trying to convince you to get into a black van with them on a random alley at night.

    Again, I don’t know what happened with your coworker, so I will take your word that he’s just a harmless guy who you didn’t want to hurt, but keep in mind that people who are ACTUALLY nice (versus the supposed Nice Guy (TM)) won’t hold a rejection against you. It happens to everyone and it’s not something you have to feel bad about.

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    6 Jan 2012

    Anonymous asked: Hi Lena! Awesome to know that you're in Southeast Asia! Pity you won't be dropping by where I'm at - I'm a heterosexual Filipino male, reading your work for years now - but I hope you'll consider visiting our little corner of the world soon. When you're not enjoying the people, scenery, and the food, the queer and feminist movements here should prove very interesting to you (with the world's first exclusively LGBT party and a raging reproductive health debate in Congress). Have fun!

    Thanks for the note! I’ll definitely be returning to this part of the world and would love to see the Philippines. This is my second time in Southeast Asia, but this trip is still way too short. I wish I didn’t have only a few days at a time in each place. I don’t know when I’ll be back but it’s on the agenda!

    Tags: ask lena. travel.

    12 Dec 2011

    Anonymous asked: why did you decide ultimately to move to berlin?

    There were a lot of reasons, some of which I outlined in this post:

    By next fall, I will have been in Boston for seven years, three longer than I originally anticipated when I first arrived for college. I think Berlin will be a fantastic opportunity, not just because it’s an interesting place in itself and easy to travel from, but also because I don’t want to end up in New York, which would make a fine end destination, but is so familiar at the moment that it feels stifling. I want a roomy kind of life: physical room for an office/studio but also room for me to grow and learn. I believe I’ll be able to do that best by leaving the Northeast, where there’s a shortage of space in both the literal and figurative sense.

    Patrick wants to return to Germany (albeit not permanently) and at first, I assumed I would never do something as drastic as moving to a foreign country if it were up to me alone. Now, I sort of wonder how much my boyfriend really factors into this decision. Because the thing is, Boston is done for me and I may still be here for him, but when I leave, it will be every bit as much for myself. Recently, I was entertaining a series of “What if …?” questions, and I realized that if we broke up tomorrow, I’d be perfectly happy moving to Berlin anyway. In fact, I’d probably move to Berlin before I moved to, say, New York. (It’s always New York, isn’t it?) I like the idea of starting fresh, of anonymity, and of self-reliance. And I like Berlin.

    I’ve been thinking about hypotheticals a lot these days, probably because I’m not actually all that happy with the here and now. I wish there were a way for me to be around everyone I love without feeling so stifled. Human relationships are both blessings and burdens. It’s terrifying to be held accountable for someone else’s feelings and infuriating when someone denies culpability in influencing yours. I think in some ways, my leaving the country is an attempt to keep a distance from those I love lest they disappoint me, to avoid becoming resentful of things I can’t change, to let myself live a life in which I am beholden to nothing and no one.

    It’s a running joke among my friends that I am far too emotionally dependent on others, too attached and devoted to the people and places I love, too settled now that I am coming up on the fourth anniversary of my relationship. But then I think of all the weekends I spent in college running away from Harvard to ride alone on buses and sleep on strangers’ couches and I think of my implicit agreement with Patrick to never marry or have kids and I think of how easy it would be to buy a one-way flight, to take this blog offline, to turn on, tune in, and drop out and I wonder how accurate their characterization of me really is. Maybe it’s them who are overly invested in the bonds of the day-to-day, and me who is all-too-ready to leave it behind.

    For me, deciding to move to Berlin was like seizing life by the collar and taking control of my happiness. I am not, at the moment, what I would call “happy” but I’m pretty certain I’m on my way there, and this sense of direction, this certainty that something good is on the horizon, is something that I had long assumed I’d forgotten.


    Taken in Germany in the winter of 2010. Not Berlin, but close enough.

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Tags: Ask Lena. Berlin.

    21 Nov 2011

    Anonymous asked: where was that definitive moment when you were able to overcome your body image issues?

    Hah, there isn’t one! And that’s because I still don’t think I’ve necessarily “overcome” any and all hang-ups about my body. 

    It’s been a LONG journey for me, and I’d say that the first turning point was the last time I purged, during my junior year of high school when I was in Seattle for a journalism conference. There were a lot of irresponsible things I could’ve done on that trip - underage drinking, sneaking out past curfew, the typical teenage shenanigans. I didn’t do any of that, but throwing up felt somehow more reckless and rash. I’m not sure how I knew it then, but I sensed that it would be my final purging, and it was.

    In retrospect, I don’t believe that I was compelled to purge entirely because of vanity. I felt an overwhelming urge to fit in, and since I was surrounded by skinny, Asian adolescent girls at my school, there was a fairly obvious standard for beauty. But there was also a sense of self-hatred, a disgust for myself and my own body. Throwing up served a dual purpose: I could look more like the girls I wanted to emulate while retaliating against what I hated most: myself. When I stopped purging, however, it WAS because of vanity. I didn’t want to wreck my teeth, and more importantly, I didn’t want people to find out that there was something wrong with me.

    That drive — to be popular, thin, the best at everything — dissipated in college, and along with it, so did my desire for the typical markers of success. It was at Harvard that I learned to cope with the judgment of others. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I stopped caring about my body right around the time I stopped caring about my grades and social reputation. The experience of writing my blog and taking a leave of absence made me realize that the only person to whom I should be accountable is myself. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’m always able to ignore other people’s opinions, especially given the vitriol typically faced by women bloggers. As a sex writer, my appearance is constantly scrutinized, which is infuriating because last I checked, my weight has absolutely nothing to do with the content of my work. Ultimately, I figured that I could agree with the anonymous jerks who called me fat and ugly and undesirable or I could tune them out because as far as I could see, these weren’t people whom I actually aspired to fuck.

    As I wrote recently, I think the whole focus on “loving your body” is a bit misplaced. Of course, it would be fantastic if everyone were thrilled with their appearance, but the reality is that there are always things we will want to change about ourselves and even the most confident or introspective person is going to have bad days. If poor body image is beating yourself up for not looking perfect, why should good body image involve thinking of yourself as perfect *just the way you are*? That sounds lovely and romantic and entirely unrealistic and a wee bit delusional, if I’m to be honest. Maybe there ARE people like that out there who believe they are totally perfect with no exceptions, but to date, I haven’t met any of them and I have a lot of hot lookin’ friends.

    My advice: don’t focus on overcoming your body image issues fully and completely. Look at it as a progression. It’s taken me years to get to a place where I feel comfortable, and there are still a lot of little precarious moments when I fear I’m slipping into old patterns. Just a few examples of said moments: when I step on a scale and don’t like what I see, when I step on a scale and REALLY like what I see, when I miss a meal and think of how easy it would be to skip more regularly, when I eat too much and feel a twinge of guilt, etc. A lot of these seems contradictory, but I think people who have dealt with disordered eating might know instinctively what I mean. If you have questions about body image and all that, I’m always happy to share my experiences, but know that it hasn’t been and isn’t always easy for me either. I’m still learning and growing myself :)

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Related posts on body image, dieting, and health:
    What Sex Blogging & The Freshman 15 Taught Me
    The Gym-A-Phobe’s Guide To Having Your Cupcake & Eating It Too
    Reader Question: “How do you reconcile your feminism and beauty/fashion consumption?”
    Reader Question: “What are the merits of having small breasts?”
    The Blueprint Myth
    Sex And The Ivy: The Purge of Purging

    10 Nov 2011

    Jaclyn Friedman On Shame-Free Sex & What You Really, Really Want

    Jaclyn Friedman, a friend of mine (and the Executive Director at Women, Action, & the Media), just came out with What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety. I can’t tell you how glad I am that there is finally an empowering guide for women and girls trying to figure out their bodies and their sexuality. I want to share with you the endorsement I wrote that appears in the book’s front pages:

    “For every girl (and woman!) who’s ever felt condescended to or misrepresented by sex and dating manuals, What You Really, Really Want is exactly the kind of book for which you’ve been waiting. Choosing nuance over one-size-fits-all dating rules, Jaclyn Friedman treats her readers as equals in the quest for sexual empowerment, helping them sort through confusing expectations and desires without judgment or paternalism. Interweaving advice with personal anecdote, Friedman challenges readers to rethink how they make sense of their bodies, sexuality, and gender. All the while, she offers an honest take on risks like sexual assault, unintended pregnancy, and STIs. By interrogating assumptions about gender identity and expression, sexual orientation, and relationship models, Friedman reveals the diversity of the human sexual experience and the choices available to her readers. Most importantly, she emphasizes fulfillment not through relationships with others, but through one’s relationship with oneself.

    Unlike other so-called ‘sexperts,’ Friedman isn’t prescriptive and doesn’t pretend to have easy answers. But then again, why should she? Any reader of this book will realize by its conclusion that the answers lie in their own hands. By teaching girls how to become more attuned with their own bodies and sexualities, Friedman doesn’t just give her readers the tools to say no to social expectations and gender roles, but also teaches them how to say yes to their desires — the very definition of empowerment!”

    I sent Jaclyn some of the sex and relationship questions from readers that I’ve been struggling to answer, and she’s been kind enough to lend her expertise. Below is her advice on quandries like staying friends with people you turn down romantically and dealing with different sexual expectations in a relationship. Check out her thoughts and grab a copy of her book for your friends or sister :)

    I met a guy about a week and a half ago and we’ve hung out three times since then and we’re hanging out again this weekend. I might sleep with him this weekend, and I’m nervous because it’s so quick, but I know, as evident by your and many people’s other relationships, some people just have sex quickly! I really, really like this guy and as far as I can tell he really likes me (he’s cooking for me for the second time this weekend) and we talk for hours (with breaks for making out, of course). He says all the right things, and blah, blah, blah. He’s totally interested in figuring out how to get me off (it’s kinda hard) too, which is nice. He’s not pressuring me to do anything, but we have a LOT of sexual chemistry so it just kinda feels right. I’ve slept with guys right away and it hasn’t worked out, and I’ve also not slept with guys right away and it just becomes too much of a game (and also doesn’t work out), so I’m perplexed as to what to do! I know you can’t tell me what to do one way or the other, but is there ANY way to ask him what his intentions are without sounding like a complete psycho?

    JACLYN: You’re right not to play games. Research has shown that sleeping with someone “early” or “late” isn’t really a factor in whether or not you get hurt, or whether or not you get into a long-term relationship with that person. The number one factor in whether or not it goes well is whether the two of you want the same things from your sexual interaction. Which means talking about your “intentions” is crucial for both of you.

    That’s not to say it won’t be awkward. There’s no way to make it not be scary to say what you want and find out if the person you want it from reciprocates. But notice how I said that: it’s about you communicating what you’re looking for, not just asking him what he wants. It seems clear you really would like to have an ongoing relationship with this guy. But how will you feel if you find out he’s only interested in playing around? Or if he doesn’t know yet what he’d like to see develop between the two of you?

    Read More

    9 Nov 2011

    Anonymous asked: I have not had PIV sex and am looking for appropriate birth control. Hormonal is not an option for me due to migraine issues / stroke risk. I love the idea of a non-hormonal IUD, but I'm worried about insertion given my lack of experience. Do you know of any work / publications on this issue? Or, are there readers out there who had IUDs inserted pre having ever had PIV sex? I know I can double up on barrier methods, but diaphragms just feel risky and IUDs are so much more hassle free.

    Unless your hymen is intact, a gyno should be able to insert the copper IUD even if you have never had sex. It’s true that women who have not previously been pregnant often feel more pain at insertion than those who have. Some doctors will only insert the IUD if you’ve already had children, due to outdated fears about infertility risks and infections, but the most recent research and a new generation of providers have come to recognize its growing popularity as a safe and effective long-term contraceptive method among young women. (For reference, here’s one academic article from the Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology that supports the use of the IUDs in younger populations.)

    Anyone have IUD stories they’d like to share in the comments? I’m always curious to hear about other solutions to finding non-hormonal contraception. And if you’re interested in reading about my Mirena insertion, I’ve wrote a piece for Bedsider about my own IUD procedure (not a particularly comfortable one).

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Related posts on the IUD:

    Reader Question: “Is rough sex with the IUD totally intolerable?”
    No Pain, No Gain: The IUD Insertion Process
    Consider An IUD: “I got my Mirena last April and never looked back”
    How I Dumped The Pill And Met The IUD
    5 Reasons Why Women Should Consider An IUD
    Reader Question: “How Do You Like Your IUD So Far?”

    5 Nov 2011

    Anonymous asked: In your October 22, 2011 "Ask Lena" post, you mentioned you use youtube yoga videos on the days where you aren't able to make it out to a studio. There are so many yoga videos on youtube so I hope it's not terribly rude of me to ask for some of your favorite "go-to" power yoga videos. It'd be tremendously helpful! Thanks so much in advance :)

    So, YouTube is somewhat hit-or-miss, because there are indeed many options. I LOVE Yoga Journal’s video content and find it pretty solid in terms of production quality. They’re also my go-to source for workout tips. I personally prefer to do vinyasa-style power yoga when I go to a class; at home, I do a more chill version of my regular practice. My favorite videos include:

    Energizing Yoga
    Balancing Poses
    Standing Poses
    Summer Break

    Yoga Journal also has “master classes” that prepare your body for particularly difficult poses and demonstrate how you can get into them. (I’m currently working toward Eka Pada Rajakapotasana and Visvamitrasana. I’ll definitely post a picture if I ever manage to get myself into either pose.)

    Those are just a few links, but take a look around elsewhere online, and if you find something cool, let me know! I’ve come across the weirdest stuff in my quest for free yoga. Hulu, for example, has a whole season’s worth of this semi-cheesy show called Yoga Zone, which includes episodes dedicated to more chill/beginner stuff. (Though, because it’s Hulu, there’s annoying advertising in between — not very, um, zen.) I’ve also found a 90-minute Anusara Yoga class AND this truly amazing dude named Peter Hurley who does the entire Ashtanga Yoga primary series, alongside awesome captioning with breathing instructions.

    Hope all this helps!

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Tags: Ask Lena. fitness.

    4 Nov 2011

    Anonymous asked: I wanted to enter the contest for the free "intimate items" Then I realized a list with people's full names of entrants was popping up. Am I just being paranoid?

    That’s an automated feature in Rafflecopter, the giveaway app running this contest, and unfortunately, I can’t turn it off. Please use a pseudonym or nickname if you don’t want your name to appear. (You’ll be contacted via email if you win anyway.)

    And as a reminder to readers, please be careful when leaving comments, “liking” posts, or communicating with me on Twitter. There’s a history of harassment against those who frequent my website, and I don’t want anyone to get targeted.

    Wanna enter the contest? (The prize is a $250 package of goodies from Va Va Voom.) Head on over here for details.

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.

    Tags: Ask Lena.

    4 Nov 2011

    thisainttherapy asked: What advice would you give someone who'd want to break into the world of online freelance writing? Where should I start?

    Hi! So first off, I think a good starting point would be to figure out what kind of freelance writing you want to do. Most people assume that freelancing means writing for publications, but this isn’t always the case, given that it can be pretty hard to make a living as a one-trick pony. Some folks are resume writers and copy editors and poets and playwrights all at the same time, not necessarily because they want to be, but because they have to pay the bills. One woman I interviewed in my Freelance Friday series worked as a social media manager as her steady gig. Learning how to leverage your skills to earn a living is as big a part of freelancing as the writing itself.

    Second point, I don’t think it’s necessary to identify oneself as an online or offline writer. Most people I know do both. Nowadays, so many readers consume news and opinion on the Internet that print journalism is no longer king. And besides, even when I do write for print, people usually find me and my work online. They’ve read my blog or seen my portfolio or follow me on Twitter, and they contact me via email or Facebook. I think it can be really helpful to maintain an online presence that represents some of your topical interests. I blog for free on the same subjects that I get paid to write about, but the latter wouldn’t happen without the former.

    The World Wide Web is an invaluable tool for me to network and communicate, and I would encourage you to view it similarly. Particularly when you’re starting out, you might find it helpful to meet other writers (through local MeetUp groups, online communities, etc.) and to follow the work of those you admire. Maybe there’s a website you’d love to write for someday and a writer whose pieces particularly speak to you? Shoot them an email and ask if they have any tips for pitching to that publication.

    Any other writers want to contribute tips? Please do share in the comments below :)

    More burning questions? Ask Lena.