What do you call it when you really like someone, spend the night together all the time, but don’t necessarily want to shack up? According to a team of University of Missouri researchers, that’s a “stayover relationship,” and it’s becoming a popular dating model for young adults …
So! This was the topic of my latest piece for SexReally.com, and I’m dying to know: has anyone heard of the term “stayover relationships” before or do you share the stance of my friend (below):
When I asked a female friend if I could talk to her about her thoughts on her own stayover relationship, she told me, “I’ve never heard of this term … i thought that’s just what couples did.”
Right?! That’s totally what I thought too, but I do think it makes some sense to distinguish the stayover model from cohabitation. As much as I cringe at trend stories, this is a social phenomenon that deserves more than a mention in The New York Times’ Style section. Why? Because it indicates that social mores and the experiences of young adults have changed dramatically in recent decades. From my article:
Plenty of people—not just young folks—do use the stayover model today with no fanfare. A couple generations ago, however, it never would have existed, at least not without some serious controversy. What changed in between? For one, women nowadays enjoy greater economic equality and no longer have to choose between living with their parents and moving in with their husband. It’s socially acceptable and economically feasible for them to live on their own, while simultaneously, the taboo against premarital sex have loosened. Young people today are also getting married later, in part because of higher education.
Call me a geek, but I’m pretty fascinated how courtship patterns evolve as a result of changes in gender equality and views toward queer sexuality. Definitely a topic worth further sociological examination.
First date sex is a topic close to my heart, because I’ve partaken in a lot of it and been told that this is precisely why no one wants to be in a serious relationship with me. In Sex And The Ivy’s heyday, a week never went by without some disgruntled commenter generously volunteering the advice that no guy will want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. (I would be the cow in this scenario, in case you were wondering.) And yet, it seems like few people bat an eye when two strangers meet and go home together after a night out. So I’ve never understood the taboo of going to bed with a date to whom you’re attracted. Does a dinner and a movie really imbue an initial encounter with so much additional meaning that we find ourselves defaulting to supposedly established rules we would never otherwise take seriously? Apparently so, because plenty of my girlfriends — including the bed-hopping sort — show up to dates with entirely different expectations and conduct themselves in a much more sexually restrained manner.
It’s a shame, because clearly, many young women have no qualms about satiating their sexual desires, but still feel the need to conceal this aspect of themselves when they’re auditioning for the role of Serious Girlfriend. It’s a mindset I sympathize with. Naturally, one wants to make a good impression on a first date. That’s why most people try to avoid arriving late, pitching a fit, or engaging in otherwise inconsiderate behavior. But expressing your desire for sex — if your partner is willing — is not inconsiderate behavior, especially since a date is made under the assumption that there is a potential for attraction.
I recently wrote a piece for Sex Really about breaking dating rules by having sex on my first date with my now-bed/roommate. Though we might have still ended up together even if I had played coy, I’m really glad that I didn’t feel the need to deny my desires for the sake of attracting a mate. Nor do I think I’m any worse off for having been dismissed by the guys who came before Patrick. Unlike them, he doesn’t liken me to a cow.
