the ch!cktionary

    27 Feb 2010

    Remember That Time …

    … when I celebrated my first (and thus far, only) anniversary with Patrick by reenacting our first date?

    Yeah, that’s not going to happen again tomorrow. To commemorate the second year of our unholy union, we will probably order delivery and hide out from the “wintry mix”, because anything more elaborate would require that I get out of the sweatpants and jersey to which I’ve become so accustomed to wearing during thesis hell.

    Also, there will be no exchanging of gifts beyond the sexual since the only thing I could possibly want is A COMPLETED THESIS, which sadly, not even a magic genie could be compelled to produce.

    10 Feb 2010

    My boyfriend would be the gaudy ring in this scenario.

    • Me: Don't you want to see Patrick without his shirt?
    • Her: That's like window shopping at Tiffany's.

    16 Aug 2009

    Patrick and I in Amsterdam for my 22nd birthday. I didn’t have a cake or candles, but the feast at Indonesian restaurant Blue Pepper more than made up for the lack of a birthday wish. Literally every plate was a palate-pleaser, what luck! With good food, warm weather, and cute roomies (both canine and human), there’s not much else a girl could ask for. Except for health insurance. (But even that I’ve acquired … call it an early birthday gift from the state of Massachusetts and its taxpayers.)

    Patrick and I in Amsterdam for my 22nd birthday.

    I didn’t have a cake or candles, but the feast at Indonesian restaurant Blue Pepper more than made up for the lack of a birthday wish. Literally every plate was a palate-pleaser, what luck!

    With good food, warm weather, and cute roomies (both canine and human), there’s not much else a girl could ask for. Except for health insurance. (But even that I’ve acquired … call it an early birthday gift from the state of Massachusetts and its taxpayers.)

    1 Aug 2009

    What Happens When You Shower In Germany Without Knowing How To Read German Product Labels

    You wind up using “aloe vera” shampoo for five days before your boyfriend points out that it’s for dogs.

    11 Jun 2009

    How Not To Measure Your Cup Size

    Do not ask your boyfriend roommate to help you determine your cup size. He 1) knows nothing about bra sizing and 2) will get distracted. Note the following exchange:

    Him: Don’t worry, you’re not an A-cup!
    Me: UM. How would you know?
    Him: I’ve seen a variety of boobs, and yours are definitely a B.
    Me (after putting on a 34B): See?! Look at all this space!
    Him (pushing the cups against my breasts): Maybe this bra is just shaped funny.
    Me: Do you want to see me in my other 34B bras?
    Him: Do you have anything that does fit?
    Me (putting another one on): Yeah, this 32A.
    Him: Okay, now unhook the back.
    Me (unhooking myself): Okay…
    Him (holding cups up with his hands): Fine, so maybe you’re an A and a half!
    Me: Whatever.
    Him (starts to jiggle the cups): Hmm …
    Me: Um, are you still trying to help or are you just playing with them now?

    Lessons learned from this experience:

    • People who do not wear bras know nothing about bra sizing.
    • People who enjoy breasts will start playing with them when given the opportunity.
    • I am a 34A.

    21 Apr 2009

    They Don’t Mince Words

    The German colloquialism for birth control pill is “anti-baby pill”.

    27 Feb 2009

    A year ago, tonight …

    Patrick sent me an email that led to a first date that led to immediate cohabitation that led to mutual future planning. I just bought birthday candles in anticipation of the cupcake I may bake to celebrate our unholy union.

    Also? Monogamy is totally worth it. You roll out of bed looking like a zombie and STILL someone will fuck you. More importantly, they remember your name. Oh, love.

    20 Feb 2009

    I was just invited to a speed dating event.

    It takes place on my one year anniversary with Patrick.

    16 Feb 2009

    What Happens When You Give A Blowjob Immediately After Brushing Your Teeth

    “My penis tingles,” he said.

    12 Feb 2009

    I’m moving in permanently.

    I am now living at Patrick’s place indefinitely. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of the month, and we just renewed the relationship contract for another year (and then some). Commitment makes me tingle.

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