They Don’t Mince Words
The German colloquialism for birth control pill is “anti-baby pill”.
A year ago, tonight …
Patrick sent me an email that led to a first date that led to immediate cohabitation that led to mutual future planning. I just bought birthday candles in anticipation of the cupcake I may bake to celebrate our unholy union.
Also? Monogamy is totally worth it. You roll out of bed looking like a zombie and STILL someone will fuck you. More importantly, they remember your name. Oh, love.
I was just invited to a speed dating event.
It takes place on my one year anniversary with Patrick.
What Happens When You Give A Blowjob Immediately After Brushing Your Teeth
“My penis tingles,” he said.
I’m moving in permanently.
I am now living at Patrick’s place indefinitely. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of the month, and we just renewed the relationship contract for another year (and then some). Commitment makes me tingle.
“Two hours and several courses into the date, I put my hand on Patrick’s knee and leaned in closer. I wanted to kiss him and was too drunk to even be subtle about it.”
— some first date nostalgia from Sex and the Ivy
Taking a foreign lover is UNAMERICAN.
Poor Hamlet is dealing with a minor affliction called Patrick.
Because one can only post so many angry letters per day. Also, YAY I HAVE A HOME!
Dear Sexual Partner,
Thanks for going apartment viewing for me! That was kind and unnecessary, and I will dogsit eagerly and often in gratitude (and because Hamlet will now have a pal for company). I miss you and look forward to touching you inappropriately the second you pick me up at the airport next week. At 5am. Have I mentioned how much I love you?
P.S. I’m sure you’re thrilled that I now have my own place to trash.
- Patrick: hamlet went to bark at the door. he hasn't lost his instinct to guard and to kill while on vacation in europe.
- Me: you are crazy. hamlet is a coward.
- Patrick: i will tell him that you said this
- Me: go right ahead!
- Patrick: and he will bite you in the ass for it
- Me: is that so?
- Patrick: or lick you incessantly
- Me: like owner, like dog.
- Patrick: precisely
