the ch!cktionary

    19 Jan 2010

    Dispatches From Ski School Pt. 4: One of three or four bruises that I picked up during my week in Zermatt.

    Dispatches From Ski School Pt. 4: One of three or four bruises that I picked up during my week in Zermatt.

    15 Jan 2010

    Dispatches From Ski School Pt. 3

    A classmate of mine agreed with my conclusion that our boyfriends are perfectly capable of teaching us how to ski, but are simply not patient or understanding enough. If Patrick and I had our own “private lesson” (and no, for once, I am not employing innuendo), I would probably throw myself off a cliff by mid-morning. It would be a relationship-ruining experience.

    In other words, ski instructors are not paid to teach you how to ski; they are paid to be nice to you while they teach you how to ski.

    14 Jan 2010

    Dispatches From Ski School Pt. 2

    • Esther (ski instructor): Do you notice how much you bend over when you ski? Way too much!
    • Me: Really?
    • Esther: You have a very cute, little butt, but you don't need to show it to the entire slope. You have a boyfriend. Keep your ass to yourself.

    12 Jan 2010

    Dispatches From Ski School Pt. 1 (2010 Edition)

    One of my ski school classmates had decided to call me Patrick for the remainder of the week, because my skis are labeled with the roomie’s name. The classmate, who is on holiday from Ireland with his wife, commented, “What a good Irish name.”

    11 Jan 2010

    Remember That Time I Learned How To Ski?

    It was epic. Language barrier aside (these were Austrian ski instructors), I was terrified of running into a tree or a small child, and fear is not your pal when you’re going full throttle downhill with fiberglass strapped to your feet.

    Thankfully, I am much better this year. I’m currently on my second day in Zermatt, Switzerland and my first day of ski school, that place where the roomie sends me when he’s had enough of my bunny slope nonsense. This time around, I have no concerns about getting stranded on a black piste and being left to die, yet I still don’t entirely understand or appreciate why people go skiing. The Alps are scenic, sure, and skiing is a fantastic work-out, no doubt, but why not go for a nice walk or an ill-fated sled ride instead? You’d get the same benefits while virtually eliminating the risk of being run into by uncoordinated petite Asian women making high-pitched noises.

    15 Jan 2009

    Dispatches from Ski School X: Sebastian, my ski instructor, informed me that though I was definitely the worst student on my first day, I now win the “Most Improved” award. This photo is from my last day of ski school. (I’m now back in lovely Osnabrück!)

    Dispatches from Ski School X: Sebastian, my ski instructor, informed me that though I was definitely the worst student on my first day, I now win the “Most Improved” award. This photo is from my last day of ski school. (I’m now back in lovely Osnabrück!)

    14 Jan 2009

    Dispatches from Ski School IX

    • Me: I skied a red piste yesterday!
    • Jason: a what? piste? are you just being pretentious?
    • Me: no, i'm just using the term my instructor and everyone else uses
    • Jason: i mean, piste is french, and pista is spanish, but when you come back to the US, you have to call it a trail. if you call it a piste, people will push you.

    14 Jan 2009

    Dispatches from Ski School VIII

    There was definitely one day in ski school when I was the oldest person in my class, my 19-year-old instructor included.

    12 Jan 2009

    Dispatches from Ski School VII

    • Italian woman: You seem like you have really good control on the slopes.
    • Me: Uh, not really. I'm the only student who's fallen multiple times today ...
    • Italian woman: You've fallen? I haven't seen you fall once!
    • Me: That's because I get up really fast so that no one notices. That's also why I ski last in line.

    10 Jan 2009

    Dispatches from Ski School VI: Disbelief from Ex-Boyfriends Edition

    • Daniel: how is germany?
    • Me: im actually in austria right now
    • Daniel: same thing for us americans
    • Me: hah. it's pretty here. i am learning how to ski. i am REALLY bad at it. it's embarrassing.
    • Daniel: what?! you? ski?
    • Me: i KNOW. i'm so clumsy i fall off of dicks.
    • Daniel: I can't even imagine how badly this is going