the ch!cktionary

THE CH!CKTIONARY’S V-DAY GIVEAWAY Booty Parlor’s...

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 22:00:06 -0500

THE CH!CKTIONARY’S V-DAY GIVEAWAY

Booty Parlor’s Romantic Rendezvous LoveKit has all the necessities for a seductive experience with your favorite playmate. Here’s what’s included and the sexy steps to build your ultimate Romantic Rendezvous:

Step 1: Bathe in Naughty Bubbles (2fl. oz)
Booty Parlor’s Naughty Bubbles is no ordinary bubble bath. This liquid sin is formulated to lather you in naughtiness for a deeply indulgent bubble soak. What happens next is entirely up to you… Oh, my…

Step 2: Massage with Don’t Stop Massage Oil (2fl. oz)

With an intoxicating scent of plums, raspberries, jasmine, cedar and sandalwood, Don’t Stop Massage Oil is an experience in sensual pleasure. Don’t Stop ‘til you get enough. Oh, yes…

Step 3: Play with Add Magic Lubricant (2fl. oz)
This discreet delicacy is designed to compliment your sexiest moments. The odorless, flavorless, water-based formula is body-friendly, silky and long lasting. Add Magic. Add Sexy. Oh la, la…

Step 4: Cuddle!
You plus me = zzzz

I’m giving out one FREE LoveKit today to a lucky reader. For a chance to win, submit an entry using the Rafflecopter widget below:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Stay tuned for more giveaways all week long. Tomorrow, I’m giving out Kiki the C-Vibe from PicoBong and a copy of Rachel Kramer Bussel’s new anthology, Best Sex Writing 2012.

"Bring me one woman who has been left behind. Bring me one. There’s not one."

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 14:00:05 -0500

“Bring me one woman who has been left behind. Bring me one. There’s not one.”

- Georgia Representative Tom Price, when asked how low-income women could access contraception without insurance

I don’t know what country Mr. Price is living in. GOOD Magazine’s Amanda Hess and Nona Willis Aronowitz compiled stories from 25 of their peers (including yours truly) to illustrate the number of people who have been financially constrained in their contraceptive decision-making. And we are the “lucky ones”. Have a story of your own? Share it in the comments or tweet it out under the hashtag #priceiswrong.

Concerned about women’s access to healthcare? Add your name to the list of supporters for the Coalition to Protect Women’s Health Care (whose members include Planned Parenthood, Feminist Majority, and NARAL Pro-Choice America, among others).

The Ch!cktionary's V-Day Giveaway

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 03:27:00 -0500

Regular readers know that I’m soooort of a Valentine’s grinch, but this year, I’ll be in New York to do the XOXOSMS screening and panel! That’s kind of an acknowledgement of the holiday, no?

I figured that in 2012, I’d properly “celebrate” the holiday rather than issuing my usual complaints about crowds and commercialization. So, my dear readers: if you don’t have a Valentine, I’ll happily be yours - virtually, at least. Here are a week’s worth of gifts, starting off with this weekend’s giveaway from Vibrations Direct and My Love Life!

Vibrations Direct is giving away the White Nights Pleasure Kit by Doc Johnson, containing everything you need to start your own boudoir, covered in soft, velvet-touch rubber and styled beautifully enough to give as a gift to your partner, or a couple just setting up home together, the White Nights Pleasure Kit is fantastic value! The kit contains a classical style velvet-touch seven inch vibe, a pocket-rocket style personal massager, Tuberose massage oil and a multi-speed vibrating bullet.

My Love Life is giving away FOUR copies away of their powerful iPhone and iPod touch application. My Love Life keeps track and logs all aspects of your love life including your dating, flirting and sexual history, and features advanced statistics and graphing to make sense of all the historical data collected.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Stay tuned for the rest of the week’s prizes! I’ll have a new post up everyday with instructions on how to enter via Facebook, Twitter, or this blog :) If you’re viewing this via a reblogged post, please refer to the original giveaway page on TheChicktionary.com to enter using the Rafflecopter widget.

FEB 13
Romantic Rendezvous Love Kit from Booty Parlor

FEB 14
Kiki C-Vibe from PicoBong & Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Best Sex Writing 2012

FEB 15
Erin Nieto’s How Much Do You Weigh?

FEB 16
Club Vibe 2.OH from OhMiBod

FEB 17
EdenFantasys & Jaclyn Friedman’s What You Really, Really Want

“He Came To Stay” | Explosion Proof Fall 2011 Forgot...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:33:00 -0500

“He Came To Stay” | Explosion Proof Fall 2011

Forgot to blog this when it came out last fall, but here’s a personal essay I wrote about my relationship with Patrick (for Explosion Proof’s “State of the Union” issue). Simone de Beauvoir inspired the title. I was reading Tête-à-Tête at the time.

(To read the article, click to the individual page and right-click “view image”).

On Feminist Pride Day 2012

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:00:05 -0500

For those who have been asking, here’s some news about the campaign formerly known as Feminist Coming Out Day. The official* word:

Turning Feminist Coming Out Day into a national campaign taught us as much about coalition-building and progressive activism as it did about our own relationships to feminism. Along the way, we met incredibly passionate people, got a crash course in online publicity, and learned how to incorporate feedback and criticism from our constituents (i.e. all of you lovely people). A year later, we’ve both moved on to other projects, so we’re handing over the reins to an organization with the resources necessary to do the campaign justice…

* Well, as official as it gets, ‘cause I wrote it.

It’s been two years since Feminist Coming Out Day/Feminist Portrait Project first got started. In 2010, it was just a single event at Harvard. I came up with the idea as the women’s events chair of the Queer Students & Allies, but I can’t take any credit for the execution. The art exhibition was inconveniently scheduled for the same week as my senior thesis deadline, and at the time, I was not contemplating gallery lighting or installation matters. Luckily, we were collaborating with the feminist club, the Radcliffe Union of Students, and Abby, the then-president, knew her way around art. She and I were clearly meant to work together.

Here’s a photo of us from the opening reception:

I am probably underfed and unshowered in this photo.

A year later, I had graduated. Abby was still a sophomore. There would be no question that Feminist Coming Out Day would be happening again at Harvard, but this time, we were talking about taking it national. So, first came our own domain, then we put up a teaser page, some social media, and finally, a website, a fundraising campaign, and at some point … the wheels started turning on their own and we became inundated with emails. Abby helped student clubs come up with their own spin on the event. I wrote blog posts and handled t-shirt orders. Submissions started pouring in from around the world for inclusion in the digital Feminist Portrait Project. Groups sent in event listings and photos of their on-campus celebrations. It was really incredible to see it all happen.

Here’s a photo of Abby and me after the 2011 event at Harvard:

I remember being sick (and therefore, likely underfed and unshowered) in this photo.

After the campaign, we were really tired. 2011 totally exceeded our expectations, and though we wanted to see a 2012 event happen, the idea of devoting 3-4 months of near full-time hours to the campaign (on top of real life and existing obligations) … well, it seemed overwhelming, and to be honest, doing it justice would require much more support than what we were capable of offering. I also knew that I was ready to move on, from Boston and also from this particular project. While I can’t speak for Abby, my own feelings about feminism have changed a lot over the past two years, and I have a much better sense today for how to best spend my time and how to best engage with the movement. I couldn’t make Feminist Pride Day fit into my life without compromising all my other plans.

Though we started talking to the Feminist Majority Foundation about adopting our project for their campus programs way back in August, I haven’t offered many public updates (and for that, I apologize). Partly, I wanted to get things finalized before making any big announcements, but I also thought it’d be wise to wait an appropriate amount of time before reflecting on something that took up so much of my emotional and physical energy. Immediately after the 2011 campaign, it was hard for me to determine whether I was tired from the project or tired of the project. And because it’s the closest thing I’ve had to a start-up baby and I’m kind of a control freak, it wasn’t easy to decide whether to let go. These days, I am 100 percent certain that I made the right decision. We came up with a new name, wrote up a handy toolkit, and passed it on to the Feminist Majority Foundation.

It astounds me that just a year ago, I was living out of “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” t-shirts! I am now richer for the experience and have gained a fantastic friend/partner in Abby, who I’m certain I’ll be collaborating with again in the future. But as far as Feminist Pride Day is concerned? The campaign will be best served by a national organization and I’ll have more to learn from pursuing creative endeavors outside of explicitly feminist spaces.

Join me and XOXOSMS for Virtual V-Day! In an LDR? Totally bummed...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:00:05 -0500

Join me and XOXOSMS for Virtual V-Day!

In an LDR? Totally bummed you can’t snuggle up to your sweet this Valentine’s Day? We’ve got something just for you! On Februrary 14th at 6pm EST, join us for the premiere of xoxosms followed by a panel about love, intimacy, sex, and the Internet (all of our favorite things!).

This is a date night for the 21st Century: fire up Skype (or gchat or oovoo!), connect with your beloved, and tune into the film together. Then stick around to have a conversation about how technology is changing the way we live and love. Panelists include director Nancy Schwartzman, Lena Chen of “Sex and The Ivy”, Twanna Hines aka “Funky Brown Chick”, writer for Ebony and Glamour, Melissa Gira Grant of The Guardian and The New York Observer, Samhita Mukhopodyay, Editor of Feministing.com, and Melanie Wallner from student focused online dating platform DateMySchool.com.

Save the date!

(I’ll be in NYC this Friday through Valentine’s Day. Join me online for the livestream!)

Today’s edition of Things I Have Made That I Would Eat...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:57:00 -0500

Today’s edition of Things I Have Made That I Would Eat Again features architectural fruit structures held together by goat cheese and drizzled with balsamic vinegar.

My boyfriend thinks I need to be forcibly removed from the kitchen.

Sex Week 2012 At Yale

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:57:00 -0500

Sex Week 2012 At Yale:

Whew, it was great to see my mom in LA, but now it’s time to play catch-up with work. I just flew back to Boston yesterday, and I’m only going to be home for a hot second. This Sunday, I’ll be in Connecticut for a talk at Yale. After overcoming some conflicts with the administration last semester, Sex Week is now officially on and I couldn’t be happier to be a part of it.

Here are the details for my event:

“WRITING SEX”: A PANEL ON SEX-POSITIVE WRITING @ Sex Week 2012
Sunday, February 5, at 6:00 PM

Featuring Riese Bernard of Autostraddle, Lena Chen of The Ch!cktionary, & Miriam Zoila Perez of Radical Doula.

Let’s be honest, talking about sex can be really difficult. Talking about sex in an inclusive, sensitive, and informative way is even more difficult. This panel, made up of prominent feminist and queer writers who tackle the world of sex with their words on a daily basis, will provide a space in which to explore the question of sex-positive advocacy through writing, a highly relevant issue for many students on this campus. Panelists will offer their own experiences of the challenges and successes of writing about sex, and then enter into a discussion of relevant questions: what is sex-positive writing? How can we write in sex-positive ways? And, perhaps most importantly, how can writing about sex be a form of activism in and of itself? This event is co-sponsored by Sappho, MEChA de Yale, CAUSA (Cuban American Undergraduate Student Association), Despierta Boricua, Asian American Cultural Center, the Women’s Center, and Q Magazine, which will be moderating the panel.

[RSVP on Facebook]

I’m very excited to see my awesome co-panelists. Miriam and I have spoken together before, but I’ve never actually met Riese, even though Autostraddle is one of my favorite sites (and one of the few I bother reading regularly). You guys always ask me for sex-positive and feminist blog suggestions. Go check this one out ;)

(For the full Sex Week schedule, go to the official website. Bostonians, mark your calendars: Harvard’s having its inaugural Sex Week this March with many events open to the public. Stay tuned for more details!)

did you book your trip through a travel agency that offered some kind of package? i'm looking to vacation in southeast asia but packages seem so expensive!

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 23:54:00 -0500

No, I didn’t book a package. I paid for my transcontinental flights with airline miles and booked a couple hotels at employee rates, thanks to my mom’s discount (she works for a hotel chain). I also stayed with people during a couple points, when I couldn’t find available rooms.

I’ll be honest: I’m not a huge fan of vacation packages. My first trip to Southeast Asia (back in 2008) was planned by a travel agency. I was traveling in a group and there was limited time, so a package made sense then, but if I could do that trip all over again (and one day, I totally will), I would have allowed myself the flexibility to make more spontaneous decisions. Relatively speaking, Southeast Asia isn’t very expensive compared to, say, Europe, so it’s perfectly possible to do all your own bookings while not spending a lot of money. A package might be more appropriate if you’re looking for a guided visit, complete with escorts. Otherwise, I don’t think it’s necessary.

Another reason I wouldn’t do a package again is because I’d like to visit friends in Asia, and that would be hard to accommodate if I have a very scheduled trip. If you want to save money and don’t have folks to stay with, there are plenty of alternatives to hotels. For example, I’ve heard great things about CouchSurfing. You might also want to scope out short-term vacation rentals and serviced apartments, which typically serve corporate clients but are frequently available to travelers as well. And of course, there are also hostels, which often come with free wifi, helpful staffers, and tons of fellow travelers for you to meet and hang out with. (Just look up reviews on TripAdvisor first if you’re concerned about location, safety, cleanliness, etc.)

P.S. My friend Lingbo has been backpacking through Southeast Asia for several months, and she has a bunch of fantastic tips on her blog about how to safely travel on a budget as a solo woman. Read it! She’s far better at this than I am :)

Hands down, my favorite part of the all-too-brief trip to...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:00:06 -0500

Hands down, my favorite part of the all-too-brief trip to Shanghai: our little sojourn to 50 Moganshan Road, a group of warehouses transformed into contemporary art galleries. It still carries some remnants of its indie past, but has clearly become increasingly developed over the years. I got a bunch of postcards from my favorite exhibitions, including Yu Lin’s Red Guards series and Xuanmin Jin’s Shikumen series. Sadly, we didn’t spend as much time in the galleries as I would have liked, since most were closed for the Lunar New Year. When I next find myself in Shanghai, though, this will definitely be a major to-do item.

(The photos above were snapped inside the galleries and during our walk through the art district’s graffiti lined streets.)

Name ten of your favorite books? :)

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 11:42:03 -0500

OOOH THIS IS TOUGHIE. This is probably an incomplete list (especially since I’m in LA and not currently in front of my bookshelf in Boston) and I do have to separate “literary” recs from pleasure reading, but here’s the former:

Fear of Flying, Erica Jong
Slouching Toward Bethlehem, Joan Didion
The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood
Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson
The Women’s Room, Marilyn French
Hunger: A Novella and Stories, Lan Samantha Chang

You can likely deduce from the above list that my ideal book would be a coming-of-age story featuring a sexually conflicted female protagonist, a dystopian setting, strong autobiographical elements, and a critical bent. I don’t really do happy endings.

So. I now owe you three more selections.

My two major guilty pleasures are Ian McEwan and Patrick McGrath. Love those old British dudes so much that I’ve read every single book and anthology they’ve ever put out (with the exception of the latest McEwan). My favorite McEwan novels are Amsterdam and Enduring Love, and my favorite McGrath is Asylum. They’re all total head-trips, but I have a bit of a weakness for psychological horror.

When I refer to a piece of literature as a “guilty pleasure”, I usually do so because it has absolutely nothing to do with the writing I do. I try not to read for leisure too much, since I always feel like I should be exposing myself to material that relates to my topics of interest. Or studying up on technique. Or you know, doing something that could pass for productive. Lately, however, I’ve been experimenting a lot with form and I’m trying to expand my horizons. It’s great that I’m in a line of work in which reading can be considered part of the job, but I always, always have to remind myself to stay focused on the task at hand. And these days, that task has consisted of doing little sketches of all the characters who will be appearing in the book based on my blog.

While leisure reading is definitely on the back burner, I’d be interested in hearing some recommendations for creative non-fiction or autobiographical novels related to sex, drugs, and/or rock ‘n roll. Bonus points for Ivy League arrogance, stealth bitches, and mental breakdowns, since that was essentially my entire college experience. Um, if you can’t think of anything that fulfills the above criteria, I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I’m at least being halfway original. (Somehow, I doubt it.)

Thanks in advance for any tips!

The actual “sample” form at the Chinese visa office...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:00:06 -0500

The actual “sample” form at the Chinese visa office in Hong Kong. Copies of this were hung up all over the room - I suppose this was an attempt to encourage foreigners to fill out their applications correctly and honestly?

The Chinese government: even more ludicrous that I’d previously imagined.

Language Immersion

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:15:27 -0500

When I was out at a nightclub in Shanghai the other night, there was this inebriated Chinese guy who was making my gaydar go off in all kinds of ways. One second, he’s humping a male acquaintance in my group - and really, there is no other way to describe the scene except “humping” - the next, he’s grabbing my hand and leading me off the dance floor to his table. I am more than a little confused and he doesn’t speak English so using my barely passable Mandarin, I am able to deduce the following:

He is not interested in the aforementioned target of his humping.*
He is, in fact, interested in me, who he describes as “piao liang” (beautiful).
He understands that I have a boyfriend (a fact that I communicate at least thrice), but he doesn’t mind!
He would like to be an additional boyfriend of mine.
Failing that, he would like to share a drink with me.

After he thrusts a full glass of booze in my face, I daintily do my “sip and ditch” move, which consists of faking a sip of alcohol and getting the fuck outta there to find my friends (who are actually able to speak Mandarin). I am, however, pretty amused by the entire situation and pleased with myself for being able to communicate with a native speaker all by myself.

If only I could improve my Chinese solely through interactions with strangers at nightclubs.

* He may have very well been bisexual, but I have no idea how to say that in Chinese, guys.

The best Chinese New Year greetings I received this year comes...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:43:36 -0500

The best Chinese New Year greetings I received this year comes from a Jew Who Shall Not Be Named.

Is it cowardly to not want to engage with chronic mansplainers on Facebook (like this one guy who manages to always discuss the plight of women or the poor by implying that he knows better than they do what it's like to be them?) And how do you deal with one you can't avoid in real life? There's this one guy above me at work who talks down to me on every single topic, like he's the teacher and I'm the student, even when it's something where I know way more than he does (like where my degree is).

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 08:20:58 -0500

Oh, boy, I hate dudes with savior complexes. Because I have a tendency to act rashly, here’s a fair warning: I should not be advising anyone on their lives or careers or engagement with feminism, since I haven’t really figured out my own life, career, or engagement with feminism. The following is my completely unqualified opinion.

First, no, I don’t think it’s cowardly to not engage in online discussions. Do what you have to do to not blow a gasket every time you log into Facebook. If that means no more debates, so be it! For what it’s worth, I usually try to avoid arguing with folks on social media myself, because I’ve found it ineffective and frustrating. Maybe it is, in fact, possible to change ignorant people’s minds and I’m going about it the wrong way, but I don’t think anyone has a responsibility to revolutionize the world in 140 characters and I certainly don’t have the patience to tackle all the patronizing stuff out there myself.

As for your annoying co-worker, well, I’m a snarky ass bitch who freelances precisely because I’m slightly misanthropic and prefer the company of my dog, so I’m not sure you want to take any advice on workplace etiquette from me. Assuming that you want to keep your job and that this person is in a position of relative authority, I suppose there are two options. Option 1: Bite tongue, grin, and bear it. Option 2: Communicate to him in an honest yet respectful manner that his way of addressing you comes off as condescending at times. Try using lots of “I” statements so he doesn’t get all butt-hurt. For example, “I feel like my expertise in X is not acknowledged when we discuss Y” or “I think this is because your ego is rivaling Puerto Rico in its bid to become the 51st state.”

Okay, maybe not that last one.

But seriously, thanks to the hierarchial nature of our society, some people are used to commanding respect and authority (even when they’re wrong) on the basis of superficial factors like race or gender. They’re often entirely unconscious of their privilege, which is why most of them will likely remain stuck in their ways. I’ve grown more accepting of this reality over the years, and rather than just being disheartened by it (which I admittedly still am at times), it’s given me the freedom to simply let go. Sometimes, it is worth it to talk through an issue with someone if they’re open to hearing an opposing viewpoint, but when you’re not up for it, remember that there’s no shame in walking away.

Bang Bang

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 01:53:36 -0500

So, is playing with guns now a group activity and social event? I received three invites to the shooting range over the course of the past week. That seems … atypical.

I don’t think I’ve ever even touched a real gun, nor am I able to identify the various different types. They sort of make me queasy anyway. I suppose learning how to handle one is a good way of conquering my phobia?

Now if only I could find some adult swim lessons so I can deal with my irrational fear of drowning.

Dealbreaker: My Wife Is Gay | GOOD

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:00:05 -0500

Dealbreaker: My Wife Is Gay | GOOD:

This may be one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever encountered about marriage. Though I am pretty opposed to the institution, I’m touched by this piece precisely because this couple illustrates that the bonds of true friendship and partnership don’t have to come in the form of a heterosexual, nuclear family. Despite all the prejudices and misconceptions working against them, they’ve managed to support and love each other in a more authentic manner than many folks who are in normative relationships. The fact that they’re doing it honestly and openly - well, that just takes my breath away. I only wish I could be so brave myself.

I desperately need a hat like this. Found this baby in Shanghai...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:05 -0500

I desperately need a hat like this. Found this baby in Shanghai and probably should have bitten the bullet and bought it. Now I’ve gotta find another way to keep my scalp warm this winter…

I'm so, so tired.

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:17:00 -0500

It might be the jetlag talking, but man, I could hide out in my Back Bay apartment for a month right now and not want to emerge despite the fact that I actually kind of hate the Back Bay and usually try to leave as often as possible. Instead of hiding out, I’m sitting at my mother’s house in California*, tackling my inbox, making plans to see various LA friends, scheduling speaking/travel for the rest of the spring, and getting tired from just the thought of more planes and trains.

Truth is, I wouldn’t mind disappearing for a while and writing without the pressure to click “publish”. The year’s barely started and I already want to peace out.

* You know you’re an adult when you start referring to your childhood home as “your mother’s house”.

Things Are Happening

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:07:15 -0500

I’ve slowly started telling people that I’m moving to Berlin.

I have to actually follow through on getting a driver’s license this year. Because I sure as hell am not going to do German driving school (the thought alone terrifies me) and I’m lucky enough to live in Massachusetts, which is one of the few states issuing licenses that can be fully converted to German ones. I won’t even have to take a written test, thank god. So, I must get my shit together or risk six months of torturous lessons in a brutal foreign language.

Thanks to a friend, I just discovered these amazing free online German courses by Deutsche Welle (recently reviewed favorably by Slate). After a year without regular practice, I tested into Level B1, so I haven’t forgotten quite as much as I thought. My German has already deteriorated like my Mandarin (a language I can comprehend but can only speak poorly). I have to start daily lessons to prepare for the impending move.

There are so many unknowns. All I can do is be ready for them.