the ch!cktionary

July 4th in Europe

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 08:15:08 -0400

Today, I am:

watching Kennedy get her first tattoo (we’ve been counting down for weeks!)
flying to London to rendezvous with the Guy
getting hammered
having hot, hot drunken sex

Happy birthday, America!

Disclaimer: Not actually awesome.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:37:00 -0400

Kennedy: I wonder what it would be like to overdose on cocaine.
Me: Um, awesome?

Boys

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:01:12 -0400

I started talking to Kennedy last night about old hook-ups and exes. I was working on this piece about Patrick when for some reason, I thought of the last serious crush I had and I realized it was on this guy from a year ago who I never ever think about anymore. I used to whine about him ALL the time and hold him up as an example of all that is wrong with my love life. I’m pretty sure I haven’t mentioned him for months now.

Anyway, I really liked him based off an initial date and some hot-and-heavy makeout sessions. As it turns out, he was cheating on one of my friends with me. (Didn’t realize they were together.) Now, in retrospect, he seems like such a … BOY. Not that Patrick is a particularly mature 28-year-old or anything (if he were, I honestly don’t think I’d be dating him) but he’s certainly man enough to, you know, not cheat. He may be stoic and cold, but he’s also direct and willing to tell it like it is instead of sneaking around. I realize, of course, that cheating isn’t exactly restricted to college kids. Still, I can’t help but consider those who cheat (or at least those who get caught at it) totally spineless and emotionally immature for not being able to just come clean about relationship anxieties in the first place. Thus, what a BOY.

Last night, I also randomly IMed a girl who used to date a guy who used to cheat on her with me. (Again, didn’t realize he had a girlfriend.) And from her account, this 26-year-old hasn’t grown up very much and is STILL two-timing and lying.

Seriously, people. If you’re old enough to be doing your own taxes, you’re old enough to be informing your significant other that you’re banging someone younger and Asian. Grow the fuck up.

Hmm, and you know what’s funny? With all this ex-bashing in this entry, it’s just occurred to me that I can’t remember the last guy I was involved with who I respected. And I don’t mean respected in the aftermath of the relationship. I mean, respected during the relationship. Or hookup. Maybe my ex Daniel, whose company I still enjoy from afar (hi Daniel!), but even he was a Republican. Ick.

Hmm.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:33:00 -0400

Things I make fun of Patrick for:

Being German
Being old
Graduating from Yale
Listening to German rap and techno
Wearing shirts with rhinestones on them
Caring too much about his hair

Things Patrick makes fun of me for:

Being judgmental

"Did you not understand that I was offering you casual sex?"

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:08:00 -0400

“Did you not understand that I was offering you casual sex?”

- Kennedy in a text message she sent RIGHT NOW to the cute bartender we hassled a few weeks ago. He asked to hang out after work and then totally acted awkward and would not make a move. Explain, boy.

Yummm, baby gravy.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:38:00 -0400

This article by Jenna B is the reason why I constantly call semen “baby gravy.” It drives Patrick crazy but I don’t care. “Ew, there’s baby gravy is leaking out of me!” “Is that baby gravy on the comforter?” “Your baby gravy tastes funny, honey.” I’m pretty sure I told him I picked up the term from general slang usage. No, false. Confession: I totally stole it off Jenna, who might as well have popularized the term for all the world in my book.

Also, in the above piece, she calls me “a brilliant, bubbly, take-no-shit chick with a taste for Amaretto and older men”. Although I no longer drink, I am proud to say that I do suck 28-year-old cock.

I think we can all agree that last sentence was unnecessary. Oh well.

Just got this vibrator in Osnabrück last week. It’s...

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:23:43 -0400

Just got this vibrator in Osnabrück last week. It’s manufactured by the German sex toy company Fun Factory. Too bad I was way too distracted by the real thing to break it out, but it’s definitely getting used once Patrick leaves for Israel.

We are bitter atheists.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:24:57 -0400

Me: And then God said, "Let there be light!"
Kennedy: God didn't say shit. God rained downed sulfur on everyone. God's a big jerk.

Me: You bitch! I'm going to throw my laptop at you.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:59:36 -0400

Me: You bitch! I'm going to throw my laptop at you.
Kennedy: You wouldn't sacrifice Delilah for that. You love her far too much.

"Sorry, the Chairman of the Republican National Committee just called."

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:46:00 -0400

“Sorry, the Chairman of the Republican National Committee just called.”

- my friend putting our IM convo on pause while at work

Kennedy: I want to be in a relationship with someone who ADORES me.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:43:00 -0400

Kennedy: I want to be in a relationship with someone who ADORES me.
Me: Me too.
Kennedy: That might not be such a good idea.
Me: Why?
Kennedy: You're already obsessed with yourself. I'm not so sure that you need to be with someone who's obsessed with you too.

London, July 4-9th

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:50:06 -0400

For those I missed via email, I’ll be in London for five days starting this Friday. Patrick departs on Monday night, after which I will pretend to be single until I leave Thursday morning. Might make a day trip to Cambridge or Oxford as well. I’m really excited to finally set foot in England.

And yes, I know I am terribly behind on emails to just about everyone (friends, editors, travel companions — eek, readers). Catching up before I take this trip, promise.

So … this is pretty nonsensical before it gets...

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:57:14 -0400

So … this is pretty nonsensical before it gets embarrassing and ends with air guitar. I think that’s all that needs to be said. (via Vimeo)

Amen, my friend.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 21:01:22 -0400

I used to think Christine was a skinny bitch in high school.

christineyweenie:

I was walking through Borders the other day and passed a display of a book called Skinny Bitch. The title is an amazing marketing tactic because I picked it up and started reading. It’s fairly short, and more than fairly stupid as a diet book. It’s more like… surprise you fat bitch! Be a vegan! This article says my thoughts without me having to type them out. :)

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/02/11/skinny_bitch/

You know how I know pretty much everything about weight is fucked up? I went shopping with a size 2 friend and she called herself fat and guessed that I am a size 0 (I MOSDEF AM NOT… what a laughable idea). That’s some warped thinking for you.
I made a comment about “getting fatter” in jest and a friend went “You’re not fat! You and [aforementioned size 2 friend]! Keeping thinking you’re fat when you’re not!” My auto response was “I don’t think I’m fat” and right when those words came out of my mouth, I felt regret. Regret. Like I had done something wrong. Oops. Every girl is supposed to think she’s fat. Every girl DOES think she’s fat. I know SO MANY girls on diets who do not need to be. They are all thin and so darn beautiful. But none of that matters. I see girls scold each other for eating carbs, eat two bites of their meals, skip class to work out…
This isn’t any individual person’s fault. You can’t help but worry about weight and looks. You’d get made fun of like all the other fat, ugly girls you hear people talk crap about. There’s this idea we’ve been taught: nobody would find you attractive if you are fat. Nobody will want to be around you. Nobody will like you.

So what’s a girl to do? Try not to be fat of course.
Some days are better than others. Truth is, days where I’d say without hesitation that I’m not fat are few and far between.

My California friends at a Korean Barbeque restaurant last night... (I miss them so much!)

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:01:36 -0400

Joanna: That piece in the middle is burning.
Johnny: Which one?
Henry: The one that's on fire.
Johnny: Which one?
Henry: Uh... THE ONE THAT'S ON FIRE!

Only during the sex scene.jennabee:Well, were you naked at least?lenachen:I just had a dream...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 09:11:52 -0400

Only during the sex scene.

jennabee:

Well, were you naked at least?
lenachen:
I just had a dream that involved Jenna taking a lot of pictures of me. Okay, so that wasn’t the main part of the dream. The main part was being enrolled in a boarding school that looked eerily like Harvard. All my friends were there, dressed in colonial-looking clothing and dancing around a bonfire.
Hamlet also made a guest appearance.

I just had a dream that involved Jenna taking a lot of pictures of me. Okay, so that wasn’t...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:52:00 -0400

I just had a dream that involved Jenna taking a lot of pictures of me. Okay, so that wasn’t the main part of the dream. The main part was being enrolled in a boarding school that looked eerily like Harvard. All my friends were there, dressed in colonial-looking clothing and dancing around a bonfire.

Hamlet also made a guest appearance.

Geeking out. Both of us are donning glasses tonight.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:10:21 -0400

Geeking out. Both of us are donning glasses tonight.

Never thought we'd get to this point but ...

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:13:04 -0400

My mom thinks my yet-to-be-written memoir will sell well in China.

Me: The Improper Bostonian called Patrick my boyfriend.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:37:21 -0400

Me: The Improper Bostonian called Patrick my boyfriend.
Kennedy: Are you going to make them rescind it?
Me: "This week in The Improper, Lena Chen would like to state for the record that Patrick Hamm is her lover, not her boyfriend."