“I look around and think, ‘Okay, you can totally masturbate. This is a 100% kosher situation.’”
Okay, so I can’t EXACTLY answer either of the questions for various reasons, but my answer is somewhat more relevant to question A. Now, I’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated, fucked, or even had a make out session in over FOUR YEARS. This is both sad and disturbing, I know. I mean I’m in college, if I can’t fuck a college chick then something is off. But, that is neither here nor there (hopefully i get some pity points, i mean c’mon..FOUR YEARS). But, my story deals with my lack of ass getting, and more importantly, lack of clit play. So.. obviously at this very sad and lonely point in my life, masturbation is my ONLY option. And, I must admit I’ve gotten pretty good at it. I know what to do, where to go, and how to finish. Well, apparently one should never masturbate in unfamiliar territory.
I was crashing on a friend’s couch after a long night of drinking games, smot poking, ultimate dance parties, and annoying picture taking. So 3am rolls around, and everyone is passed the fuck out at this point. I look around and think, “Okay, you can totally masturbate. This is a 100% kosher situation”. So, yada-yada-yada..i’m doing what I do best..and all of a sudden BOOOOOOM CRASSSSSSH MOTHA F’ING BANGGGG..I lose my balance holding on somewhere between the GLASS coffee table and the couch..fall in the most horrendous position NOT ONLY smashing and breaking the entire glass table BUT BREAKING MY WRIST, spraining my ankle, and my entire left side is covered in blood, cuts, and immediate bruising. Of course the people sleeping in the 4X4 Beacon Hill closet wake up, run out into the living room, notice a pant-less and panty-less me looking like a hotttt messs, and at this point I’m screaming/crying/shaking because of the pain of my wrist and entire body. In response to all the “Whaaat the fahhhck, d00d???” ‘s, I start shrieking “I WASSS MASTURBATTTING!!! AHHHH OUUUUUUH, MOMMMMY! OUUUUUH” Sooo thanks to my buddies, took a nice little trip over to MGH where they confirmed all the damage I had done to my body, and I took home a nice little prescription for some nice little pills.
Moral of the story? Don’t let single, sex depraved lesbians sleep on your couch, ESPECIALLY if you have glass tables.
More important moral of the story? I’m a broke ass college student who needs a fucking sex toy.
