I can’t read what people write about him anymore. It makes me sick. One of the comments:

Mir, the thing you can’t realize is that you are choosing things out of context.

We are talking about the following COMBINED:

• an 8-year age difference


• a power imbalance given that Patrick is a) in the department, and b) was her TF


• Patrick forcing Lena into sexually degrading acts which sound an awful lot like rape


• Patrick engaging in criminal behavior by supplying Lena with fake IDs, alcohol, and drugs


• a documented history by Lena of mental health issues

You put all of those together and this isn’t just people who aren’t “enlightened” enough to respect different sexual mores. This is outrageous behavior by Patrick and he ought to know better.

Here it is in a nutshell: ANYONE I date or sleep with is going to have to deal with my mental health history, recreational drug habits, and preference for aggressive sex. Thus, character assassination of the guy who happens to currently be around doesn’t make sense, not even when you factor in the age difference or the former teacher-student relationship. Maybe someone ought to explain that eight years is nothing? That plenty of my girlfriends have dated someone that much older? Or maybe I should start with the fact that Patrick being my former TF gives him absolutely no authority over me and is little more than something of a joke between my friends?

It’s the last bullet point that bothers me the most. Yeah, I was depressed but so fucking what? Does that mean that anyone I fuck or date is automatically taking advantage of my “mental health issues”? Patrick didn’t even know anything about the tumult of my sophomore year when we first started going out. Does my history of depression mean that I can’t be trusted to ever make romantic/sexual decisions ever again? You’re not my therapist, and my therapist — who knows about everything from the age difference to the former teacher-student relationship — hasn’t said anything even slightly disapproving except “Try not to self-sabotage this relationship.” And seriously? Harvard is a breeding ground for discontent, disillusioned college kids who all make perfectly fine choices on their own, thank you. Literally half my friends have suffered from depression or gone to therapy or been on medication. This is common.

And the same can be said of our drug use or drinking habits. Guess what: college kids smoke weed and engage in underage drinking and sometimes we feel sad. All of the preceding existed before Patrick and will continue to exist whether or not he’s around. To say that I’m doing it under his influence is, well, giving him way too much credit and not giving my friends enough.

As for the allegations about the kind of sex I have, if I say it’s consensual, it’s nothing short of condescending to ignore my multiple and blatant disclaimers. To insist that sex is something Patrick is doing to me instead of with me is the most sexist thing I’ve ever heard. I’m here screaming my head off that I want him to handle me roughly in bed, and no one will pay attention to me. That is far more disempowering than anything that could occur in the bedroom.

That’s it. That’s all. I know I shouldn’t respond to this to begin with, but I feel like I’m sitting by idly while someone I care about is being slandered left and right. It hurts like crazy because I feel so responsible. And I feel even more guilty because he doesn’t blame me in the least. He comforts me while I blabber and blubber about Kennedy, helps me move out of my dorm, gets me out of France when I stupidly wind up stranded in Paris, and calls or messages or emails me every few hours now that I’m abroad. My friends, who have my best interests at heart, more than approve. My best friends, Kennedy and Jason, who know him better than the rest, adore Patrick. And this is what he gets.

Maybe I should’ve known better. Maybe I should’ve stopped writing about him as soon as things first got bad. My only excuse is that everyday for the past two months, I’ve thought “This is total shit. This is as bad as things could ever get.” Obviously, I was wrong. Obviously, I underestimated people’s capacity for malice and cruelty. Yeah, I’ll own up to that. That was my mistake.

Okay, no more. No more Google alerts, no more paying attention to any of this. it doesn’t matter. I’m meeting Patrick tomorrow at Frankfurt Airport. This is what matters. He matters.