Follow me on Twitter and keep up with this live-blog for comments from the Rethinking Sex conference:

Crisis In Marriage And Family

• Over last four decades: increases in divorce, separation, non-marriage, cohabitation, out-of-wedlock births, single-parent households, and domestic violence & decreases in marital quality, father involvement, family extendedness
• “Some mistakenly think that we suggest single parents do not or cannot do a good job raising their children. The point here is simply that the research shows marriage matters and healthy marriages matter even more. If you look at the population at a whole, those who are not married — and their children — are at greater risk overall.” Malone-Colon cites her own granddaughter, raised by her son, as an example of a child in a healthy single-parent home.

Consequences Of The Weakening Of Marital Relationships

• According to Malone-Colon’s work at the Institute for American Values, married couples are better off physically, psychologically, socially, and economically than co-habitating couples.
• My question: is there something inherent in the act of “getting married” that creates these effects, or is getting married an indication that a couple is better off to begin with?
• African Americans are disproportionately affected when they do not marry. High rates of out-of-wedlock births and single-parent households. As Katie from the Harvard Dems points out, this is undeniably a consequence of high incarceration rates of black men (which is probably due to socioeconomics). In other words, it’s not lack of marriage itself that causes problems, but the various structural factors working against blacks in America.

Hooking Up vs. Hooking In

• Hooking up: a physical or sexual encounter that does not necessarily imply any ongoing commitment or future relationship between the two participants
• Hooking in: going within and reflecting on what one hopes their most intimate relationship will satisfy emotionally and perhaps spiritually within them
• Friendship: enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, interests, support, confidence, shared power
• Malone-Colon asks if hooking up prepares you for future relationships or sets up a pattern of emotionally detached relationship. She says hooking up disallows connections that are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.

How True Friendship & Intimacy Is Essential To Creating Loving And Lasting Relationships

• Malone-Colon claims there is no inclination or time to develop these friendship qualities when hooking up. From my personal experience, I know that this isn’t true — and that further, hooking up does not just happen with strangers.
• She encourages people to realize intimacy and friendship through self-awareness, integrity, self-respect, values, personal fortitude, social responsibility. I think all of these qualities can be realized in a hook-up relationship and wouldn’t settle for anything less if I sought a fuck buddy.
• Suggestions: Communication and conflict resolution skills. Practice self-respect. Being aware of and honoring your own desires. Structured environments to share relationship fears and dreams.
• A couple gender/hetero-normative comments: Malone-Colon says that men benefit from accepting notions of manhood such as responsibility and should reject notions such as prestige. In her class, her female students “honor” the male students, and vice versa. Each group says what they “love” about the other. She says that everyone gets to be acknowledged for special qualities. But the way this exercise is explained, it seems like people are being praised for gender-normative attributes. What about those who don’t conform to or identify with typically feminine/masculine behavior?
• Audience members asked about how to change the dominant culture: “There’s a tendency of the media to change the conversation to same-sex marriage and not to the general trend in marriage.” Malone-Colon says that they should stay on message, continue to hold conferences like this one, and intentionally garner media attention.
• “It’s so political. We don’t want to make people who are divorced feel bad. We can’t point out that it makes a difference or it’ll make them feel bad. We want everyone to feel empowered. When you talk about marriage, then you have to talk about same-sex marriage.”

Dr. Malone-Colón is Chair of the Psychology Department at Hampton University, a Senior Fellow at the Institute for American Values and the former Executive Director of the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (NHMRC).  She is also the founder and Executive Director of the new National Center for African American Marriages and Parenting at Hampton University.  The Center brings together Black Churches and Black Institutions of Higher Education to help strengthen the institutions of marriage and family in African American communities.

Dr. Malone-Colón is a noted scholar and national speaker, and consultant on African American marriages. Currently, she is conducting a ground-breaking study on “the Quality of African American Marriages”.  She also designed and teaches a premier course on Black marriages for college students that has been featured at the annual Smart Marriages Conferences and in Essence magazine.

Dr. Malone-Colón earned a Ph.D. degree in Personality Psychology with a minor in neuro-psychology, and a M.S. degree in Clinical Psychology at Howard University.