Apparently, thinking that you might be permanently stuck on the wrong side of the Atlantic is a lot like going through the stages of grief.

1. Denial

• “I’m not going to miss my connecting flight even though my plane got in thirty minutes late!”
• “They will totally make an exception.”
• When told that I have missed check-in by all of four minutes, stupidly believe that they are not serious about denying me entrance.

2. Anger

• “I have to wait until TOMORROW?”
• “Wait — what do you mean it’s $200? Which part of ‘lost all my stuff in Greece and do not have money’ do you not understand?”
• Become increasingly irate as I slowly realize I might be stuck here forever.
• “I can’t go home because I can’t pay with a physical credit card?! AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE ONE ON FILE?”
• Develop irrational hate for the French and everything that is French.
• “WHY DON’T ANY OF YOU PEOPLE SPEAK ENGLISH?!”

3. Bargaining

• “If I do a little dance, will you let me board a plane?”
• “PLEEEEEEASE. What do you expect me to do? I can’t stay in France forever. I don’t even speak French.”
• “What if I cry?”

4. Depression

• Cry.
• Realize I am mistaken in believing that tears will get me people’s pity. The French do not have feelings.
• Cry some more.
• Contemplate popping anxiety meds.
• Hit a new low when I realize that MY MACBOOK WON’T LOG ONTO THE INTERNET. There is now nothing left for me in this world.

5. Acceptance

• Decide to actually take proactive steps toward getting out of this country.
• Convince French stranger to let me use his laptop. Send mass email to 40 closest friends. Leave a voicemail on the Guy’s phone. Hate all of them for not responding within five minutes.
• Give up shortly after this on any hope of ever leaving. “Okay, looks like I’m moving to France. Better learn French.”
• “Maybe I can hitchhike to Heidelberg.”
• Joke with another American about our missed flights. “Yeah, I like it better in Europe anyway.”

6. Resolution

• Receive email from the Guy who offers to help. Get return ticket paid for.
• Am mildly disappointed that I can no longer just run off with my MacBook to France.
• Best friend complains to various travel agents, airlines, etc. for me. Feel smug that someone else is outraged on my behalf.
• Wipe my damn tears off my face.