Something to ponder:  would I prefer to be going through this in a relationship?

I’m inclined to say no, if only because I don’t like the idea of becoming emotionally dependent on anyone or anything. I wouldn’t start a coke habit while depressed so why should I start a boy habit? It’s almost even worse since cocaine is not in limited supply, but the guy I fall for may hardly be reliable.

That said, I know it would be a million times easier to fall asleep next to someone, not just anyone (obviously), but certain people in particular. As far as guys go, though, I think it’s laughable and kind of sad that there are more than a handful (as in, 5+) who I could go out with or hook up with, but none of them are people I want to hold me or spend the night with.

Now that I actually thought about it, I’m depressingly uninterested in just about every guy I’m acquainted with in a romantic/sexual context. Must be the mood and overpowering cynicism. I can’t help it. This is actually how I function lately: I get interested in someone and the immediate reaction is, “Chill out, he’s probably a douche.” I’m very determined to not feel anything, not joy nor pain. Falling for someone is just part one of heartbreak. Guys are unreliable, which is the one thing I can rely on. I’m scared to get excited about anyone anymore.

Okay, all done. No more cynicism for the night. 

Related (?): a waning sex drive is indicative of depression. Hm.