Anonymous asked: Hi Lena! I've been following you for quite a while and I think I am developing a womancrush on you :) I like how you think and write, and I am curious about your stance on something I have to deal with daily in my relationship. My boyfriend has a lot A LOT of female friends. I do not believe in purely platonic relationships between men and women - I think that if you manage to develop a good "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex, then you inevitably start wondering, "what if...?" My boyfriend, however, insists that they're just friends and there is nothing romantic there. Have you ever had to deal with this in previous (or in your current!) relationships and what's your opinion on friendships between people of the opposite sex. Thanks!
--IB
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you only have eyes for your partner. I’m still attracted to Colin Firth, boys with piercings, and German dudes who aren’t named Patrick. That’s why I don’t really understand when you say you don’t “believe in purely platonic relationships between men and women”. Does purely platonic mean never feeling any sexual interest or does it mean never acting on those thoughts? Because I’ve probably considered doing half my male friends without ever having actually done them, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, even if one is already in a monogamous relationship. There’s a huge difference between wondering “what if …?” in the hypothetical sense and then acting on it.
Even if your boyfriend WERE single, would he start dating all of his female friends? Probably not. These women might not feel the same way, or the risk of ruining a friendship might not be worth it, or they might be completely incompatible. For example, I could theoretically fall in love with my best friend Jason (who’s gay so he’s unlikely to fall in love with me) if I weren’t dating Patrick. After all, Jason knows things about me that Patrick does not, we constitute each other’s longest-lasting relationship from college, and I’ve already seen his penis. (Please don’t ask — I’ve been trying to repress this memory for years.) So why haven’t I ever looked at Jason that way? Well, for starters, he’s like a brother to me. And even if he were straight, being best friends means that I am familiar enough with his neuroses to know that we would never, ever work out. And these are reasons that exist whether or not Patrick is around.
If you find yourself getting jealous, just think about the running joke in my relationship which goes something like, “Lena has no straight male friends who she hasn’t already slept with.” See? At least you’re not dating someone whose social interactions could all be categorized as “potential gangbangs”. Okay, so that an exaggeration, but the truth is that I do tend to stay pals with old flings and boyfriends. Patrick has always been cool with this, which is something that I take for granted until someone else points out that there are a lot of guys who would not at all be okay with their girlfriend hanging out (solo or accompanied) with former sexual partners. Be the Cool, Secure Girlfriend who’s above that stuff.
More burning questions? Ask Lena Chen.
