Patrick is not “The One”
Just to make it clear that my little rant yesterday applies as much to those who are coupled-up as it does to singletons.
It’s easy to forget in an era of bridal magazines and wedding planners and rom coms that the idea of “the One” is an entirely modern notion. For most of Western history, marriage was a purely economic arrangement, arranged by family patriarchs and devoid of romance (or much choice, in the women’s case). It really wasn’t until the 20th century that marrying for love became the norm and the ideal. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this concept of “the One” came into being right around the same time that an entire courtship industry was born out of engagement rings, flower arrangements, and Hallmark cards. Love sells.
And once you find “the One”, as any well-adjusted American inevitably will, what better way to express your commitment than with a public declaration involving large amounts of white tulle? It’s really an obvious choice.
I’ve blogged pretty extensively about why I don’t think marriage makes sense, because it privileges certain types of relationships (romantic ones) over all others and also assumes that permanent two-person partnerships ought to be the ideal. It forgets that many friendships are longer lasting and more intimate than romances, that the partner you’re with at 20 or 30 may change and no longer be compatible, and that this type of relationship is not something we all ought to be after. If you’re unmarried and middle-aged, people feel sorry for you. You could accomplish all kinds of great, wonderful things, but marriage is supposed to be a life-altering event that completes you.
So just about the worst thing you could do — besides never finding “the One” — is to find the One and then not marry him. Because, really, woman! Without a ring, some other ho is just going to snatch him away and then you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. So the only option once you land a keeper is to trick him into marrying you. If he fails to do so within an appropriate length of time, he clearly doesn’t love you, can’t commit, and wants to continue sowing his wild oats. It doesn’t matter if you have an apartment, car, or pet together. None of it counts until a low-paid employee of the city stamps a piece of paper declaring you legit in the eyes of the state.
As much as I adore my boyfriend — and friends will testify that it is really sickening how obsessed I am —, he’s not “the One”. Believing in the One means that I would have to believe that I’m somehow less of a person without a guy. And that’s just not true. I have a ton of great stuff going on in my life, lots of supportive friends, and a career that allows me to “work” on the issues I feel most passionately about. So while I love the Roomie to pieces, if he dumped me tomorrow and proposed to another woman, I wouldn’t see it as a reflection of my personal faults. If either of us were to die in a fiery car accident, I would fully expect the other to mourn for an appropriate length of time and then move on. Love isn’t about holding on to the other person forever and ever, regardless of changes in your relationship or life. If anything, maintaining a death grip on your partner only blinds you to problems and leaves you disappointed when the other person reveals themselves to be as human as you are.
Of course, not being “the One” for each other hasn’t stopped us from signing onto a family plan with AT&T. Cue vomit.
