Anonymous asked: You're a big supporter of the LGBT Rights Movement and so am I. I was wondering how you feel about being friends with people who are anti-gay? I recently found out that a person whom I considered to be a very good friend is very, very anti-gay. He would never go around bullying or physically hurting anyone because they're gay, but he is definitely a detriment to the movement, cannot be in the same room with them and would definitely, for example, vote agaisnt any laws that would advance the movement. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, since before I found out I truly liked him as a person, and am curious to know what you think.
First of all, I think “anti-gay” can mean a lot of things. It can mean someone who believes in ignorant stereotypes about gay people but is sort of ambivalent and not terribly invested either way (e.g. someone’s super traditional grandparents, for example) or it can mean someone who thinks gay people are literally going to bring about societal ruin and therefore deserve political oppression (e.g. Tea Party members). Obviously, there are also Tea Party grannies in the mix.
I totally empathize with you, because though I’m WAY too much of a fruit fly for anyone to out themselves as a homophobe to me, I’ve had people say racist or classist things that have made me extremely uncomfortable. And I’ll confess — sometimes, I say things in response, but most of the time, I don’t, and instead make a silent mental note. I could tell you to have that uncomfortable conversation in which you try to reason with your friend and make him see the light, but this tactic seems unlikely to change his mind given the way you describe him — as “very, very anti-gay” to the point where he “cannot be in the same room with them”. But while I don’t think that you or anyone else has a moral imperative to intervene and make a statement (some people are comfortable with that, others will never be okay about confrontation), I do think that you need to be true to your own feelings, meaning that you shouldn’t pretend to be his friend, if you really don’t want to be. (And obviously, you should also be honest about the reasons why you’ve detached if this is the route you choose to take.)
I know that personally, it would be impossible for me to maintain a meaningful relationship with a person who is that staunchly anti-gay. Besides the fact that I do a lot of social justice work and have a low tolerance for bullshit, I also like mixing social circles and I have too many close gay friends; the potential for awkwardness would be painfully high. You have to assess for yourself how much your friend’s prejudices impact your relationship (with each other and with others) and if the resulting consequences are worth it.
(Also, can I just say that this is PRECISELY the type of question I love answering? Don’t get me wrong — I totally like fielding queries about freelance writing, Hamlet, and secondhand shopping, but I jump on anything in the realm of “the personal is the political”.)
More burning questions? Ask Lena Chen.
