the ch!cktionary

9 Nov 2011
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“A fag hag is not just a straight female friend. In a friendship, your bond isn’t based on the novelty of your gender or sexuality. A fag hag is not your friend. She’s an insult. Contrary to popular belief, a fag hag is not necessarily fat, lonely, undateable or so socially damaged that she couldn’t possibly have her own love life. Nor does she necessarily own cats. Any woman I’ve met who has tried to become my hag (whether or not they employed the term) believes that a gay man can give her something a straight man cannot—platonic friendship, an outlet for hetero-verboten sex talk, someone to check out boys with, and often, an outlet for her annoying commentary about gay men.

Every gay man knows a girl like this. She is the girl who you used to see movies with in college, the one who you thought viewed you as a person until she screamed “Ooh, I just saw you check out that guy’s legs!” as if you had subtly invented cold fusion in the cafeteria. Soon, it turns out she “loves having gay friends.” She is the girl who plans bachelorette trips to gay bars the way some people take their kids to the zoo. She is the girl who screams “You’re going to Town? You’re so CRAZY!” at you on the street when she ascertains that you are headed to a popular gay bar. She is the girl at the party who needs to tell you all about gay men.

What does the fag get in return? A constant companion at bars so he never has to drink alone, yes. A den mother to cook him dinner and coo over his problems, sure. But there is an even more sinister use for this special “friend.” On nights when he doesn’t want to get laid, a gay man can head to her house for movies and ice cream. On nights he does, he just deploys the girl to introduce herself to a guy he likes. When he’s done with him, he can use her to deflect additional advances. She is his pimp and his Dear John letter all in one. She’ll facilitate date after date until she realizes that at the end of the night, she won’t be the one with the boy in her bed.”

— Zack Rosen, Dealbreaker: He Has a “Girlfriend” - Health - GOOD

My initial reaction after reading this essay:

So, let’s get some disclosures and conflicts of interest out of the way: I am, what most people would describe as, a “fag hag”. The male portion of my social circle can be neatly divided into two groups: dudes I’ve fucked and dudes who don’t fuck women, with the latter far outnumbering the former (trust me, no easy feat). In short, Dorothy and I have got an awful lot of mutual friends, BUT (and this is an enormous BUT) I don’t personally identify with the label “fag hag”, for all the reasons outlined in the excerpt above. I’ll admit, I was prepared to be offended when I first encountered this piece, but then I realized that this caricature of the “fag hag” actually describes a lot of people I’ve met.

Rosen is talking about a particular type of woman, the type of woman who believes that her friend’s sexual orientation plays the major role in their friendship. You see the “gay best friend” phenomenon play out in trend stories and pop culture (think: Sex And The City or Will & Grace). A whole generation has grown up thinking that homosexuality is trendy, rather than an aberration, yet they’ve replaced fear and hatred with equally ridiculous and ignorant generalizations along the way. It’s as if gay people have gone from being considered sexual deviants to being hailed as fairy godmothers bearing gifts of Chanel. Like really? Your friends are not accessories, people. And yet, I’ve heard perfectly intelligent, self-identified liberals spout off the most offensive bullshit ever about their so-called “friends”. Some of these gems include arguments like:

“Gay men can’t be friends with straight men.”
“You’re either a bottom or top. You can’t be both.”
“Gay men don’t settle down.”
“There is a gay fashion gene.” (ACTUAL QUOTE)

And these are gay people’s supposed allies. Clearly, we’ve got a long way to go. The part of Rosen’s piece that most resonated with me was the following: “Any woman I’ve met who has tried to become my hag (whether or not they employed the term) believes that a gay man can give her something a straight man cannot—platonic friendship, an outlet for hetero-verboten sex talk, someone to check out boys with, and often, an outlet for her annoying commentary about gay men.” Though it sounds out-there, I’ve actually had women approach me to ask how I acquired my very own gay mafia, like there’s a technique or networking skill involved. It makes me wonder if the fetishization of gay men just further contributes to their marginalization. Is the Sassy Gay Friend the new token black friend? Is it a necessary, albeit fucked-up step toward progress? Does mainstream acceptance always have to lead to the co-optation of progressive movements? A bunch of stereotypes is not exactly the foundation for friendship. Real people must get hurt as a result, right?

The reality is that queerness is not a monolith, and there’s no such thing as the universal gay male experience. I have gay friends who are caricatures of what you might see on TV, gay friends who “pass” as straight at work everyday, gay friends who only want to talk about sex with me, and others who don’t even mention a romantic interest until it’s serious. There’s absolutely nothing that they all have in common besides their propensity for fucking other dudes, yet this single shared trait is enough to prompt people — both the well-intentioned and the bigoted — to form preconceived ideas about them. While Rosen’s account clearly doesn’t hold true for all gay male-straight female friendships, one thing is for certain: with friends like these, who needs enemies?