Anonymous asked: Do you still use condoms when having sex, even though you use an IUD as birth control and are in a committed monogamous relationship?
Nope, I don’t, though I’ve used condoms in previous relationships before. For me, condoms are must-haves in casual hook-ups and one-night stands, and there’s ideally two forms of protection (such as the Pill in addition). That said, the risk involved in any situation can only be judged by the individuals affected, and while I am always happy to discuss birth control experiences and refer readers to contraceptive resources, I don’t think anyone should model their sex life on my own :)
Related: I’m really tired of the finger-wagging that ensues when someone talks about making unsafe sexual decisions. Do I wish that people like Cat Marnell were better informed about reproductive health? Sure, but unless I’m the one fucking her, shaming the woman does not lead to a healthier sexuality for me or for her. If anything, it suggests that mistakes and ignorance — both of which the human population have in surplus — are not to be admitted to lest you become the subject of ridicule.
There are a lot of situations in which we’re susceptible to bad judgment calls, and sex is no exception. I know many people considered conventionally “smart” or “successful” who nonetheless make horrendous decisions about sexual safety. And I’ve certainly made horrendous decisions of my own. When I write about sexual health, I try not to think about the reader who’s perfect about taking their pill on time, who always remembers the diaphragm, who’s never had an abnormal pap. Because the reality? That’s not most of us. You can give people all the knowledge and resources necessary, and they might still fuck up. To help folks stay healthy and non-pregnant, we have to understand the reasoning that goes on behind sexual decision-making. Shutting people up does not accomplish this at all and just compels them to hide their errors, which is way, way worse than talking about them.
I think Rachel Kramer Bussel puts it best in her piece “My Tiny Hypocrisy: I Don’t Always Use Birth Control”:
I believe it’s my job as a woman to take care of my body, including my birth control, and I take full responsibility for the times when I haven’t used it. I can’t claim that I will always use it when I should, though it’s not something I’m cavalier about. I think we’ve in some ways conflated the autonomy feminism has given women around reproductive rights with dictating the way women use the “choice” we’re so adamant about having. Irene Vilar documented her experience having multiple abortions in her memoir Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict; I don’t think she was celebrating them, but they are facts of her life. The idea that any of us should be held up as model citizens, or shamed for our sexual choices, including our choices to use, or not use, birth control as we see fit, disturbs me. I’m not advocating other people going condomless, or denying the need for quality, comprehensive sex education for adults as well as teens, but on an individual level, judging and shaming people is both unhelpful and infantilizing. We all weigh risks every single day, and it’s our right to make the decisions that suit our lives best at any given time. I don’t walk up to smokers and tell them they’re damaging their lungs; I’m pretty sure they already know that. Similarly, I would never question someone’s right to make their own choices about their sex life.
More burning questions? Ask Lena.
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