the ch!cktionary

9 Sep 2010
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“A girl I’m rather fond of - half my age - whose blog is scattered with pictures of painfully thin models, ‘It girls’ and paeans to “perfection”.

“Oh shit,” I thought to myself.

What worried me about this particular blog was the language used. The repeated references to “perfection”, and the implication that getting there would require sacrifice. Classic eating disorder stuff. Although perhaps it’s incorrect to say that there is a scale - what disturbs me most about the language used on pro-anorexic websites (and what annoys me most about their demonisation in the news media) is the extent to which it blurs with mainstream dieting discourse.

“Please don’t do this,” I wanted to write to her in an urgent email. “You’re beautiful as you are!” (As if that would matter, and as if that was the point.) “Please find yourself someone more substantive to look up than a Victoria’s Secret model.”

I didn’t, of course. I knew it would be pointless. It’s walking into a minefield to say that eating disorders - or their approximations - are “about” anything, but two things I do think they are about are a deep sadness and deliberate self-destruction. And the last thing anyone bent on either of the above wants to hear is some nosy person telling them they shouldn’t do it.”

— Rachel Hills

Like Rachel, I’d rather play the role of Cool Aunt than Ball-Busting Feminist in my interactions with my readers (especially the younger ones). Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy to adopt the latter personality, but when talking to someone about their body image, it’s not incredibly relatable to go off on a screed about the social construction of beauty. And while I have no problem lecturing people on privilege and sexism, I’ve found it surprisingly hard to talk about the beauty ideal in the same tone, in part because young readers are the ones asking the most questions about this topic and I know this is a case where using academic language and explanations is not the best approach. I also feel as if girls shouldn’t really be blamed for having negative attitudes about their bodies, given the type of images with which they are constantly inundated, whereas I find it a lot easier to identify fault within those who don’t recognize their obvious -isms. I don’t want to come across as judge-y, even when my advice and opinion are solicited, so I guess you could say that this has been one giant cop-out on my part.

This is something that I want to change, because I think I owe my teen readers some answers, no matter how poorly crafted or “uncool” my answers may end up being. (I’ll try, however, to avoid sounding like a Women’s Studies 101 textbook.) Very soon, I’m going to be starting a new gig as the editor of gURL.com’s Health, Sex, & Relationships section. I grew up on gURL.com. No, seriously, the website practically raised me. It was my go-to guide during all of puberty and early adolescence and continues to be a fantastic, non-judgmental, feisty resource for girls. I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot of fun freelance projects, but this is, by far, the one that feels the most personal. I owe the website and the readers there so, so much. But to be comfortable addressing them, I think I need to first be able to honestly answer the hard questions I get on this blog.

I wrote in July an entry I kind of now regret about why I don’t like answering readers’ questions about body. (Because my body is not your body, because I’m not a nutritionist, because I don’t think any woman’s appearance should serve as a “model” for others, etc.) At the time, I was just incredibly uncomfortable with the whole thing. I see my Questions feature as a way for readers to give me a sense of what they’re interested in reading and discussing, not as a way for them to ask me for diet and exercise tips and for me to dispense my Hard-Earned Wisdom. So I gave my feminist opinion on the whole thing (which is that the beauty ideal is constructed and impossible to achieve) but I kind of left it at that, all the while knowing that my feminist opinion will not make someone feel better about their perceived physical imperfections. That’s why I wrote Bad Feminist Confessions (and why I will continue doing so) because I think it’s hard for women, who are otherwise completely rational and intelligent, to reconcile their feminist beliefs with the sometimes contradictory reality of their lives. And the pressure to be beautiful (in the conventional sense of the word) is perhaps the most contradictory thing that self-assured, capable women have to deal with.

Part of the reason why I don’t like writing about body image is because I realize it’s disingenuous to tell readers to not wear make-up or to forget about the Freshman 15 or to stop straightening their hair, when I never leave the house without a push-up bra and eyeliner. I can make excuses for all of these things (strapless dresses fall off my petite chest, I get carded without make-up on, etc.) but the truth is that appearances do matter, and depending on the circumstance, they might matter a great deal (on a job interview, first date, etc.) The conundrum, of course, is figuring out at which point the overemphasis on presenting our “best selves” instead makes us feel worse and leads us to take drastic measures that endanger our health in the quest for beauty. But Rachel is right to say that anyone determined to embark on such a quest is unlikely to be dissuaded by a blog entry. What girls need is not another lecture on how they should value themselves for who they are. These girls aren’t stupid. They recognize that culturally, women are judged a great deal by their appearance. So until there’s a societal shift in how a woman’s worth is determined, no amount of girl power is going to change anyone’s minds.