Anonymous asked: Is it cowardly to not want to engage with chronic mansplainers on Facebook (like this one guy who manages to always discuss the plight of women or the poor by implying that he knows better than they do what it's like to be them?) And how do you deal with one you can't avoid in real life? There's this one guy above me at work who talks down to me on every single topic, like he's the teacher and I'm the student, even when it's something where I know way more than he does (like where my degree is).
Oh, boy, I hate dudes with savior complexes. Because I have a tendency to act rashly, here’s a fair warning: I should not be advising anyone on their lives or careers or engagement with feminism, since I haven’t really figured out my own life, career, or engagement with feminism. The following is my completely unqualified opinion.
First, no, I don’t think it’s cowardly to not engage in online discussions. Do what you have to do to not blow a gasket every time you log into Facebook. If that means no more debates, so be it! For what it’s worth, I usually try to avoid arguing with folks on social media myself, because I’ve found it ineffective and frustrating. Maybe it is, in fact, possible to change ignorant people’s minds and I’m going about it the wrong way, but I don’t think anyone has a responsibility to revolutionize the world in 140 characters and I certainly don’t have the patience to tackle all the patronizing stuff out there myself.
As for your annoying co-worker, well, I’m a snarky ass bitch who freelances precisely because I’m slightly misanthropic and prefer the company of my dog, so I’m not sure you want to take any advice on workplace etiquette from me. Assuming that you want to keep your job and that this person is in a position of relative authority, I suppose there are two options. Option 1: Bite tongue, grin, and bear it. Option 2: Communicate to him in an honest yet respectful manner that his way of addressing you comes off as condescending at times. Try using lots of “I” statements so he doesn’t get all butt-hurt. For example, “I feel like my expertise in X is not acknowledged when we discuss Y” or “I think this is because your ego is rivaling Puerto Rico in its bid to become the 51st state.”
Okay, maybe not that last one.
But seriously, thanks to the hierarchial nature of our society, some people are used to commanding respect and authority (even when they’re wrong) on the basis of superficial factors like race or gender. They’re often entirely unconscious of their privilege, which is why most of them will likely remain stuck in their ways. I’ve grown more accepting of this reality over the years, and rather than just being disheartened by it (which I admittedly still am at times), it’s given me the freedom to simply let go. Sometimes, it is worth it to talk through an issue with someone if they’re open to hearing an opposing viewpoint, but when you’re not up for it, remember that there’s no shame in walking away.
More burning questions? Ask Lena.
