Chances are, if you’re asking, it’s probably racist.

Another interesting discussion that I’d been following the past few days on robot-heart-politics’ blog: how White people feel unfairly called “racist” when they have racial preferences in dating or express a seemingly benign curiosity about others’ background.

Look, you can defend your dating preferences all you want; you can call them “preferences” instead of a fetish. If you “tend” to be attracted to a specific race to the point where you’re largely dating only people of a specific race, you are likely fetishizing something. I say this as an Asian woman who knows firsthand the irresistable allure of my “delicate” feet, my “olive” complexion, and my “mysterious” eyes. These are phrases taken verbatim from my personal dating experiences. And you know, there’s definitely a difference when I’m dating White people who don’t fetishize me. When I’ve dated or hooked up with guys who don’t have any discernible dating patterns, they don’t make remarks about me that are specific to things that have to do with my race. They don’t tell me that Eastern religion is so “peaceful”, expecting to me to understand their New Agey sentimentality, or offer compliments that could very well apply to any random Asian chick on the street.

Yes, non-White people may also prefer to date those of their own background, but their reasons for doing so are often related to wanting shared life experiences with their partners. This, too, is a limiting way of looking at relationships, but it’s not racist to date on the basis of compatibility. It is racist, however, to think that Asian features are more attractive and to assume that this is a natural preference that you just can’t help. It’s just the way you were born! Well, maybe it feels “natural” to you, but you weren’t born into a vacuum. We’ve all grown up in a world where we are fed messages all the time about what’s beautiful and what’s not. We’re influenced by sexualized portrayals of minorities in mass media. No one just is or just isn’t attracted to XYZ racial group. Even the most enlightened of us out there make assumptions about others on the basis of cues like race, gender, class, etc. And no one is immune to that.

Along the same lines, why is it that non-Whites take so much offense to being asked about their ethnic or national origin? Because it would never occur to me to ask a White person where they’re from. Me the Living, the blogger with whom robot-heart-politics was having this discussion, presented this dilemma: while speaking with a stranger at a parking garage, she detected that he had an African accent. Yet even after she gave him cash for his parking because he had only a credit card on him, she “was still nervous to ask if he was from Africa for fear of insulting him”. She writes that “we should be able to ask questions about other people without it seeming malicious/with ill-intent”. Which is fair if you’re talking with a social acquaintance, but a stranger who you’ve only known for a few minutes? No, I don’t think it’s really appropriate to ask someone where they’re from just because you’d like to satisfy your curiosity about their accent. I am asked where I’m from all the time by strangers, and you know how that conversation goes down?

Me: I’m from California.

Stranger: But where are you originally from?

Me: San Francisco.

Stranger: But what about your family?

Me: They live in Los Angeles.

Stranger: But where do YOUR PARENTS come from?

It’s annoying, it’s unnecessary, and it’s not something that I owe a stranger. I know that it might seem really natural to ask a non-White person about their background, but I can attest from personal experience that this will not haunt you for the rest of time if you don’t find out. How do I know this? Because I’ve gone through countless social interactions with White people who never feel the need to ask me where I’m from or where my family is from! And as far as I know, they aren’t squirming inside with unquelched curiosity.

You can claim all you want that you don’t judge people on the basis of race, that race is inconsequential to you, that you are friends with plenty of minorities. Even if all these things are true, it doesn’t mean that you’re not being racist when you feel the need to “place” a person on the basis of how they look or sound. I don’t ever wonder whether my White friends are mostly Irish or German or French or whatever. This never, ever crosses my mind. But people wonder all the time where I’m from and even if they’re perfectly nice about it, it still makes me feel as if there is something that will always  separate me from those who are White and allowed to walk around without being treated as objects of curiosity.